The Pigeon

I am fascinated by dreams and have dreamt I could fly maybe five times. I’ve looked it up on the internet under “dream dictionaries” and flying in a dream signifies positive things are afoot in your life. The last time I had a flying dream was maybe seven years ago and all I remember was how powerful and effortless it felt, in the dream. Last week during my work lunch break in Tribeca I walked toward 7-11 craving their shitty mozzarella sticks. When I walked up I noticed this pigeon kind of flailing on the sidewalk near two green mailboxes. It was clearly injured and trying to walk or fly or move at least. As I walked closer it sort of limped off the sidewalk onto the street. I got about three feet away and could see that one of its wings was clearly hurt. The immediate problem was that it was still trying to move while in the street. The street was Broadway, which assured it would get run over. I knew immediately I wasn’t going anywhere until this was resolved somehow. I looked up and noticed a construction guy wearing an orange work vest and a helmet. He was carrying a stop sign used to direct traffic away from the site he was working at. He quickly scooped up the pigeon with his sign and placed it back on the sidewalk out of harm’s way. “It’s been there all day,” he said kind of sympathetically. It was still sort of flailing around trying to ignore its injury but it wasn’t moving as much now. An Asian man selling hats and sunglasses on the sidewalk walked over and threw some crumbs near it. Next to the bird was an empty overturned plastic container used to hold salad dressing when you get something to go. Clearly people had been trying to help but didn’t know what to do. I knew I couldn’t leave since this image of a helpless animal would never leave me if I just walked away. I called 311 and told the woman there was an injured bird on Broadway. She promptly told me that the animal shelter wouldn’t pick it up if it was a pigeon. When I told her it was she told me I could try to bring it up to the animal shelter but there was no guarantee they would take it. Now I was fucking torn. I knew my conscience wouldn’t let me just leave it there and I also knew this was not going to be a short endeavor. I bought some seeds and water and sprinkled it around the pigeon who was now perched under one of the mailboxes and was not moving much at all now. I placed the container of water right in front of it but it didn’t drink it and averted its beak. I placed the seeds there and it kind of pecked at them for a few seconds before stopping. I was kneeling on the sidewalk when an older Asian woman walked over with packets of crackers she had gotten at a bodega. “You want me to give him these?” she offered. I took a pack and crumbled them and placed them near his beak. It didn’t really react to the new food. Out of ideas I finally remembered a filmmaker I knew I knew who told me about a documentary he made about pigeons. I knew he was my best bet since I had already called a few other animal centers I found online only to be met by voicemails. I called my friend who told me to put it in a box and take it to this Bird Rescue Association on 87th street and Columbus. I went into a store and asked for a box. The sandwich guy had a shoebox in the back for some inexplicable reason and I asked for a plastic bag from the counter. With my hand covered by the bag I carefully placed the pigeon in the shoebox feeling eyes all over me from passersby. The pigeon didn’t fight me at all or even ruffle its feathers since it was void of any kind of energy. I walked to the train and took the 1 up to 86th street with this pigeon in a Keds shoebox. I kept opening it to see if it was still alive. I was terrified I would suffocate it. One time when I opened and looked it turned and seemed to make direct eye contact with me. Luckily the train wasn’t crowded since it was only like 3:30. I didn’t want to deal with people shoving me with an injured bird in a shoebox. I finally got to the place and wondered how long it would be before the pigeon would be able to fly again. I was already thinking about how wonderful it was that I saved this pigeon stuck in the middle of the street. I was really patting myself on the back as if I were Oskar Schindler or something. No one else had done anything like I did. When I walked in to the Bird Rescue Center there were about five large ducks in the middle of the room just walking around as if they owned the place. There were bowls of water around and every now and then the ducks took sips. I assumed the people there would be so happy and thankful that I had done this great thing and I envisioned everyone showering me with praise about what a great guy I was. That didn’t happen. No one there was mean but no one seemed ecstatic by what I was doing either. A woman handed me a clipboard and told me to fill it out with my name and other info. I was annoyed that I had to fill out paperwork just to bring in an injured pigeon. A bird was hurt so why did they need my email? Of course New York City was going to make this all harder than it needed to be. There was an Asian man behind the counter talking on the phone loudly. He seemed frazzled. I filled out the short form and put them both down since I wanted to keep tabs on my pigeon that I had taken the time to rescue so gallantly. I imagined future emails giving me updates on the bird as if I had sponsored a child in Africa. I thought about how lucky this pigeon was that I came along. I sat down and waited patiently with my shoebox pigeon. Finally the Asian man hung up the phone and walked over. He took my box, walked into an adjacent room and opened it up. He took the pigeon out quickly without hesitation and placed it on a table. He immediately made a sound I knew conveyed bad news. “Ahhhh….” “What?” I asked sort of knowing where this was headed. “This is really bad. Its wing is really badly broken.” “Can you fix it?” “The bone is sticking out. See?” he pointed to the compound fracture in the middle of the wing. I couldn’t believe how calm the pigeon was and had been the whole time. “Once that happens there’s nothing we can really do. Even if it lived it would never fly again. The only solution is euthanasia,” he told me. I immediately lost my euphoria I’d had. I looked down at the pigeon who must have been terrified and in a lot of pain. Its eyes were blinking and its head was moving back and forth sharply. “Do you think it’s in a lot of pain?” I asked. “Yeah. I would definitely say it is.” “When would you put it to sleep?” “Right away,” he answered matter of factly. “I’m sorry,” he added empathetically, reacting to my facial expression. “I just found him on the sidewalk,” I said already trying to distance myself emotionally from the bird. I hadn’t asked for any of this. What did I care about this bird? The last thing I needed was an emotional attachment to some pigeon of all things. I looked down at its helpless body on the table still being held by the vet with one hand. I felt like I had totally failed it. That was it? I wasn’t some hero. All I had done was take this pigeon to its death. I turned around and left quickly almost stepping on one of the ducks in the waiting room. On Columbus Avenue a flock of about twenty pigeons flew about ten feet above my head. As I watched them sail over the trees all I could think was how carefree and lucky they were. At any moment their fate could completely change and everything might be taken away. What must it be like for a bird to lose its ability to fly? How would they process that mentally? Could they even process it mentally? How much capacity does a pigeon have to process things mentally? I went home, lay down on my lumpy bed and felt drained. The pigeon had to be dead by now. I kept seeing its eyes looking into mine. I surely will never forget its eyes. The only relief I could conjure was that at least it wasn’t in pain anymore. I would never be able to see a bird flying in the sky the same way ever again. Watching something float through the sky effortlessly was something I would no longer take for granted. The littlest of things can forever change how we see things. This pigeon had made me take notice of something I had been oblivious to pretty much my whole life. I rolled over on left my side and fell asleep. Four days later I dreamt I could fly.

-I was giving this girl a ride home the other day and she was like; "Are you from Europe? Because you drive like you're from Europe. They drive terribly there." I was like; "Are you from dick? Because you're a dick."

-I was watching Youporn the other day and there is so much crazy disgusting shit on there. I was like; "man, there sure are a lot of shitty dads out there."

In the videos these chicks are doing these crazy, degrading things. This one girl was being filmed blowing three dudes and then banging a dog next to a highway. I would rather see the video of her being talked into doing that. I just have to see how persuasive these guys were that they sold this idea on her. I can barely get chicks I'm dating to just blow me in a room in the dark. I couldn't imagine being like; "Hey can you blow me?" "Maybe." "Wait, there's more. Can you blow these three other guys you don't know?" "Umm..." "Wait let me finish. And then have sex with this dog." "I'm not sure..." "Oh and I'm gonna film it and put it on the internet." "Well, you are really funny. Just this once. Don't tell anyone." "Oh, of course not. I'm a gentleman. Put a condom on the dog fellas and let's find a highway!"

-I was talking to this girl and she was about to go on vacation in South Beach Miami and she told me she was going to a tanning booth before she left. You're gonna go to a tanning booth before going to South Beach? Why? That's like if I was like "I'm going skiing next week so I'm gonna have someone break my leg before I leave." "I'm going to Vegas so I'm gonna burn all my money the night before my flight." "I'm going to Italy with my girlfriend so I'm gonna get in a fight about nothing with her and breakup prior to leaving."

-I wonder if rapists ever get freaked out by the term 'date rape'. I feel like rapists have fears of intamacy. "You date raped me!" "Whoa! Back up! That wasn't a date. Slow down. We were just hangin out. I'm not looking for anything serious here."

-I got into a fight recently and the other guy said to me, "I'm gonna rip out your heart and eat it!" Did he really have to add the 'and eat it' part? Isn't that kind of overkill? I mean you've already ripped out my heart, why do you need to eat it too? At that point you've already killed me, now you're gonna try to gross me out too? "Oh my God, someone just ripped my heart out. I just hope he doesn't eat it. That would be over the line." That's like saying; "I'm gonna cut off your head and then comb your hair into a gay hairstyle!"

-I heard about this rapper who stabbed 50 Cent after 50 wrote a track dissing him. Then afterwards 50 Cent recorded another dis track calling the guy a pussy. Pussy? The guy stabbed you. Why are you antagonizing him? He clearly has knives and is not afraid to use them. If someone stabbed me I wouldn't write a dis rap afterwards. I'd write an apology rap. "Yo this goes out to the guy who stabbed me! It's called 'I'm sorry about what I said. Whatever I need to say to get you to stop stabbing me, just tell me and I'll say it!'"

-I saw a thing on the news about a celebrity that checked into the hospital for exhaustion. I always hear about celebs admitting themselves into the hospital for that. That's not a good reason to go to the hospital. When I'm exhausted I go to sleep in my bed. I don't call 911. "911 I need help. It's an emergency." "What's wrong?" "I'm exhausted." "Umm...why don't you just take a nap?" "I need bigger pillows! My bed isn't soft enough! Help me! Send an ambulance before I fall asleep!"

-How did the term 'sucks dick' get associated with negative things? When someone wants to convey that something is bad they'll say it 'sucks dick'. For example; "Man that painting is awful. It sucks dick." Now in my world something that sucks dick is great. If someone told me something 'sucked dick' I would be intrigued. "How was that movie?" "Oh, that movie sucks dick." "Oh my God. Where is it playing? That sounds like the feel good movie of the summer."

-I love when people try and pawn off their personality flaws on astrology. I knew this girl and she was like "Yeah I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had because I'm a Gemini." Yeah, I think you did that because you're a whore and a terrible person. I don't think the month of February is at fault here. I'm gonna start doing that. "Hey, why are you stealing my car?" "I'm a leo. Sorry man, it's out of my hands."

-The other day this friend of mine was hitting on a stripper and the stripper said there was a rule against dating customers. Even if that's true I feel like strippers clearly aren't making good decisions. So you've decided to do a job where you grind up on strangers genitals for a living yet you're going to stick to the "no dating customers" rule? "Look I'm not allowed to date customers. It wouldn't be ethical. Now give me a dollar and I'll show you my pussy. But seriously no dates. I'm really trying to follow the rules. Also for 40 dollars extra I'll blow you in the toilet. Just don't ask me to dinner afterwards."

-You can tell how well someone is doing in their life by how they're sleeping on the subway. How well they're doing is in direct proportion to how many seats they're taking up while sleeping. One seat. He's just tired and had a long day and on his way home. Two seats. He's had a tough month and maybe lost his job and is going home to a small apartment. A guy laying down on 4 seats. He's doing awful. He's not on his way home, he is home.

I used to date this chick who would always tell me about how big her ex boyfriend's dick was. I don't want to hear about that. She would always be like "Oh it was so big. It was too big. Yours is perfect." Really? Thanks. That's like if I was like. "My last girlfriend's vagina was so tight. It was too tight though. It made my penis feel too good. Yours is better. I love how flabby yours is. It makes me last much longer."

-Visa's slogan is "Visa, it's everywhere you want to be." Really? Visa is in Scarlett Johanssen's vagina?

-I love the movie 'The Lost Boys'. My favorite part is when the 35 year old couple loots comic books from the comic book store. Is that what 35 year old couples do? I don't think 35 year olds do that. Shoplifting comic books is something you outgrow when you turn 8.

-You know you're a shitty dad when your daughter becomes a stripper. But you know you're a really shitty dad when your son becomes a stripper. Because if you're a man and you're a stripper you have had to really pursue that job. The entire world is trying to get women to be strippers. All day men are yelling at women to take off their tops. A male stripper had to fight to get people to pay him to take off his pants for money.

-I was walking down the street and there was this smokingly hot chick walking, basically in her underwear, and this dude ahead of me looked at her and started angrily shaking his head to himself. Like he was angry at how hot this chick was. That's when you know you're hot, when men on the street are reacting to you the way they would react to an act of racism. "Damn look at that hot chick. Man, that shit just aint right."

-They say that every man grows up to marry a woman just like his mother. I think that's a bummer for most guys to hear, except for Pamela Anderson's sons.

-When you're a kid and you're trying to think of jobs you want to do when you grow up it's always a very vast list. It's like; "Okay I'm either gonna be an astronaut, a rock star or President." When you become an adult and you're trying to figure out jobs for yourself it's a bit more limited. It's like; "I'm either gonna hand out flyers, sell all my clothes or rob a video store."

-I was reading about this guy who knowingly gave 10 women the AIDS virus. This is just further proof that women like guys who are shitty to them. The guy wasn't even good looking, yet he's still having sex with lots of women. You know how many nice dudes without AIDS these women probably passed up? "God I went out with this guy the other night and it turns out he doesn't even have AIDS." What a bore. Drop his ass. You don't need that shit in your life. How's it going with that other guy you met who punched you in the face?" "Pretty good. I think he might have AIDS." "That sounds exciting. Does he have any friends?"

-I feel like a blow job is the only job that you can't get fired from even if you're really slacking off at work. It'd be like; "Hey Jennifer I'd like to talk to you about your blow job performance. First of all you came into work 2 hours late today. You were drunk, high and not wearing any pants. Then you left work early and had your friend Bambi, who doesn't even work here, finish your job for you. I have no choice but to promote you and give you tenure."

-People ask me how famous I want to be. I wanna be so famous that strangers break into my house and try to stab me. That's when you know you've really made it when someone admires you so much that they want you dead.

-I was listening to this Dr. Dre song and halfway through it he says; "This aint Aerosmith!" Like maybe there had been some confusion. Like maybe I somehow was thinking I was listening to Aerosmith. Like anyone would ever confuse Dr. Dre with Aerosmith. Like I'm listening like; "Man is this Aerosmith? Oh it's not. I thought this was that Aerosmith song where they keep talking about shooting police and where Steven Tyler keeps calling himself Dr. Dre. I better go return this not Aerosmith CD."

-I know I'm getting old because I'll find myself getting mad at people for being young. "How old are you? 23? Fuck you!! Get out of my house! You've got some nerve having your whole life ahead of you around me."

-The other day I was watching these two people slow dance and a guy came over to them and cut in and then he started dancing with the chick. That's cool. I wish you could do that in other situations. Like if some dude is banging a hot chick. Just walk in on them, "May I cut in for a minute?" "Sure." "Thank you. I'm done." Or you could walk up to someone at an ATM machine about to get money. "May I cut in?" "Umm...okay." Walk up to George Clooney. "May I cut in on your life for minute George Clooney?" "No, I'm sorry, go find your own life." "I have a life but it's an ugly pig and has a shitty apartment."

- The other day a dude I knew said something shitty to me after I had just gotten an expensive parking ticket. Basically he made fun of me and then he said, "Sorry man, but I like fucking with people." That was his excuse for being a dick, that he likes being a dick. That can't be your explanation for doing something shitty. "Sorry man but I like robbing your house." "Oh okay. You like it? I didn't know that. Oh sorry man but I like beating the shit out of people who enjoy being assholes."

-I saw an interview with a high priced call girl who slept with a lot of big name celebrities and she was bitching about how her clients would treat her rudely after sex. Like she couldn't believe their cold behavior. She was like, "These guys used to treat me like dirt. They didn't respect me at all." You're a prostitute. What do you expect? They paid you money to lick their balls. What'd you think was gonna happen after they jerked off on your face for 100 dollars? Did you think they were gonna go introduce you to their parents? Propose to you on a bed of roses? "Hey hooker that I just hired for 30 minutes, stick this cucumber up your ass while me and my friend whack off, but hurry because right after this I'm taking you to a romantic dinner in Paris."

-I was talking to this girl and she said she dumped her boyfriend because he was too nice during sex. Too nice during sex? People don't like nice sex. The meaner you are the hotter it is. You can't be doing someone from behind and be like; "Oh yeah baby, I just did your taxes." "Oh yeah, lick my balls while I lend your grandparents money and adopt a homeless baby."

-I love that band the Pussycat Dolls. I love how they constantly contradict themselves in their songs. First they'll have a really romantic song about loving a guy forever and being committed to him. Then they'll be like "Here's our new single it's called 'I love having impersonal butt sex with random guys I don't know on the subway.'" Are you in love with your boyfriend or are you a whore?

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-I saw this rap video and in it there was a scene where the main rapper was on the toilet taking a crap. Now this was the main rapper in the video so he definitely had a say in this shot. So he wanted people to see him on the toliet. What's he gonna do in his next video, "Al right I want the video to start with me getting caught masturbating in my car and then we cut to me shitting my pants while getting beaten up by a 10 year old girl."

-I love when people try to lie now about not getting your emails. That's not a good lie anymore. You can't say that anymore. The other day someone was like, "Oh, I didn't get your emails." Really? That's funny because that's not possible. I sent it to you so you did get it. If you didn't get it then I would have gotten a message about it. I guess everyone got my emails except for you.

-I wish Sarah Palin would shut her fucking mouth already. She keeps bitching in interviews that she was unfairly scrutinized by the media. She keeps attacking Katie Couric for trying catch her in a 'Gotcha!' moment. She asked you what newspapers you read!! That's not a tough question. You should be able to answer that if you're a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

-I like to smoke weed more than drinking mainly because I prefer the company of stoners to heavy drinkers. Stoners are much better to be around. The worst thing a stoner will do to you is tell you a boring story about a time they lost their keys. But an alcoholic will fuck your girlfriend and then steal your car.

-I read this story about this couple that was trying to get their son's name on his birthday cake but stores refused. The kid's name is Adolph Hitler Campbell. The craziest thing is that this couple had to agree on this name. That just seems like a name that one party in the relationship might have had a problem with. "So what should we name our baby?" "How about Adolph Hitler?" "Umm...I still like Kevin."

Also this couple tried to get swastikas on the cake. I couldn't imagine hating something so much that I would make it a part of my cake decoration. That's like if I decorated my birthday cake with pictures from the movie 'Dances With Wolves.'

-I went to a Performing Arts high school in NYC and it was the complete opposite of the stereotypical suburban high school. We had sports team that no one gave a shit about at all. In fact at my school the jocks would come in with guns and shoot at people. They'd be like "You never talked to me in tapdance class! You're dead! You always made fun of my football uniform!! I'm sick of being ridiculed for not being the lead in 'Guys and Dolls'!"

-I saw an interview with some girl and she was talking about a popular guy and she said, 'I mean any chick would give both their breasts to date him.' Why would that even be a situation you would be in? Like the guy is gonna be like, 'Al right I'll go out with you but only if you cut off your breasts. I only date mutilated women without tits.'

-I love that saying "He wants to have his cake and eat it too." It's used to describe someone who is over demanding but I feel like that saying doesn't do a good job of conveying that. If someone is given cake and then wants to eat it I don't think of them as being irrational. Has anyone ever been okay just with having cake? "You mean you want cake and you want to eat it also?! You are a maniac. That's not how the world works dude." "This guy just wants to have it all, he wants to buy a house and then move into it. He wants to buy food in a restaurant and then put it in his mouth. He wants to install a toilet and then urinate into it."