-I feel like a blow job is the only job that you can't get fired from even if you're really slacking off at work. It'd be like; "Hey Jennifer I'd like to talk to you about your blow job performance. First of all you came into work 2 hours late today. You were drunk, high and not wearing any pants. Then you left work early and had your friend Bambi, who doesn't even work here, finish your job for you. I have no choice but to promote you and give you tenure."

-People ask me how famous I want to be. I wanna be so famous that strangers break into my house and try to stab me. That's when you know you've really made it when someone admires you so much that they want you dead.

-I was listening to this Dr. Dre song and halfway through it he says; "This aint Aerosmith!" Like maybe there had been some confusion. Like maybe I somehow was thinking I was listening to Aerosmith. Like anyone would ever confuse Dr. Dre with Aerosmith. Like I'm listening like; "Man is this Aerosmith? Oh it's not. I thought this was that Aerosmith song where they keep talking about shooting police and where Steven Tyler keeps calling himself Dr. Dre. I better go return this not Aerosmith CD."

-I know I'm getting old because I'll find myself getting mad at people for being young. "How old are you? 23? Fuck you!! Get out of my house! You've got some nerve having your whole life ahead of you around me."

-The other day I was watching these two people slow dance and a guy came over to them and cut in and then he started dancing with the chick. That's cool. I wish you could do that in other situations. Like if some dude is banging a hot chick. Just walk in on them, "May I cut in for a minute?" "Sure." "Thank you. I'm done." Or you could walk up to someone at an ATM machine about to get money. "May I cut in?" "Umm...okay." Walk up to George Clooney. "May I cut in on your life for minute George Clooney?" "No, I'm sorry, go find your own life." "I have a life but it's an ugly pig and has a shitty apartment."

- The other day a dude I knew said something shitty to me after I had just gotten an expensive parking ticket. Basically he made fun of me and then he said, "Sorry man, but I like fucking with people." That was his excuse for being a dick, that he likes being a dick. That can't be your explanation for doing something shitty. "Sorry man but I like robbing your house." "Oh okay. You like it? I didn't know that. Oh sorry man but I like beating the shit out of people who enjoy being assholes."

-I saw an interview with a high priced call girl who slept with a lot of big name celebrities and she was bitching about how her clients would treat her rudely after sex. Like she couldn't believe their cold behavior. She was like, "These guys used to treat me like dirt. They didn't respect me at all." You're a prostitute. What do you expect? They paid you money to lick their balls. What'd you think was gonna happen after they jerked off on your face for 100 dollars? Did you think they were gonna go introduce you to their parents? Propose to you on a bed of roses? "Hey hooker that I just hired for 30 minutes, stick this cucumber up your ass while me and my friend whack off, but hurry because right after this I'm taking you to a romantic dinner in Paris."

-I was talking to this girl and she said she dumped her boyfriend because he was too nice during sex. Too nice during sex? People don't like nice sex. The meaner you are the hotter it is. You can't be doing someone from behind and be like; "Oh yeah baby, I just did your taxes." "Oh yeah, lick my balls while I lend your grandparents money and adopt a homeless baby."

-I love that band the Pussycat Dolls. I love how they constantly contradict themselves in their songs. First they'll have a really romantic song about loving a guy forever and being committed to him. Then they'll be like "Here's our new single it's called 'I love having impersonal butt sex with random guys I don't know on the subway.'" Are you in love with your boyfriend or are you a whore?

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-I saw this rap video and in it there was a scene where the main rapper was on the toilet taking a crap. Now this was the main rapper in the video so he definitely had a say in this shot. So he wanted people to see him on the toliet. What's he gonna do in his next video, "Al right I want the video to start with me getting caught masturbating in my car and then we cut to me shitting my pants while getting beaten up by a 10 year old girl."

-I love when people try to lie now about not getting your emails. That's not a good lie anymore. You can't say that anymore. The other day someone was like, "Oh, I didn't get your emails." Really? That's funny because that's not possible. I sent it to you so you did get it. If you didn't get it then I would have gotten a message about it. I guess everyone got my emails except for you.

-I wish Sarah Palin would shut her fucking mouth already. She keeps bitching in interviews that she was unfairly scrutinized by the media. She keeps attacking Katie Couric for trying catch her in a 'Gotcha!' moment. She asked you what newspapers you read!! That's not a tough question. You should be able to answer that if you're a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

-I like to smoke weed more than drinking mainly because I prefer the company of stoners to heavy drinkers. Stoners are much better to be around. The worst thing a stoner will do to you is tell you a boring story about a time they lost their keys. But an alcoholic will fuck your girlfriend and then steal your car.

-I read this story about this couple that was trying to get their son's name on his birthday cake but stores refused. The kid's name is Adolph Hitler Campbell. The craziest thing is that this couple had to agree on this name. That just seems like a name that one party in the relationship might have had a problem with. "So what should we name our baby?" "How about Adolph Hitler?" "Umm...I still like Kevin."

Also this couple tried to get swastikas on the cake. I couldn't imagine hating something so much that I would make it a part of my cake decoration. That's like if I decorated my birthday cake with pictures from the movie 'Dances With Wolves.'