-I was giving this girl a ride home the other day and she was like; "Are you from Europe? Because you drive like you're from Europe. They drive terribly there." I was like; "Are you from dick? Because you're a dick."

-I was watching Youporn the other day and there is so much crazy disgusting shit on there. I was like; "man, there sure are a lot of shitty dads out there."

In the videos these chicks are doing these crazy, degrading things. This one girl was being filmed blowing three dudes and then banging a dog next to a highway. I would rather see the video of her being talked into doing that. I just have to see how persuasive these guys were that they sold this idea on her. I can barely get chicks I'm dating to just blow me in a room in the dark. I couldn't imagine being like; "Hey can you blow me?" "Maybe." "Wait, there's more. Can you blow these three other guys you don't know?" "Umm..." "Wait let me finish. And then have sex with this dog." "I'm not sure..." "Oh and I'm gonna film it and put it on the internet." "Well, you are really funny. Just this once. Don't tell anyone." "Oh, of course not. I'm a gentleman. Put a condom on the dog fellas and let's find a highway!"

-I was talking to this girl and she was about to go on vacation in South Beach Miami and she told me she was going to a tanning booth before she left. You're gonna go to a tanning booth before going to South Beach? Why? That's like if I was like "I'm going skiing next week so I'm gonna have someone break my leg before I leave." "I'm going to Vegas so I'm gonna burn all my money the night before my flight." "I'm going to Italy with my girlfriend so I'm gonna get in a fight about nothing with her and breakup prior to leaving."