-I feel like a blow job is the only job that you can't get fired from even if you're really slacking off at work. It'd be like; "Hey Jennifer I'd like to talk to you about your blow job performance. First of all you came into work 2 hours late today. You were drunk, high and not wearing any pants. Then you left work early and had your friend Bambi, who doesn't even work here, finish your job for you. I have no choice but to promote you and give you tenure."

-People ask me how famous I want to be. I wanna be so famous that strangers break into my house and try to stab me. That's when you know you've really made it when someone admires you so much that they want you dead.

-I was listening to this Dr. Dre song and halfway through it he says; "This aint Aerosmith!" Like maybe there had been some confusion. Like maybe I somehow was thinking I was listening to Aerosmith. Like anyone would ever confuse Dr. Dre with Aerosmith. Like I'm listening like; "Man is this Aerosmith? Oh it's not. I thought this was that Aerosmith song where they keep talking about shooting police and where Steven Tyler keeps calling himself Dr. Dre. I better go return this not Aerosmith CD."

-I know I'm getting old because I'll find myself getting mad at people for being young. "How old are you? 23? Fuck you!! Get out of my house! You've got some nerve having your whole life ahead of you around me."