-I meet a lot of people after comedy shows and I'm really bad with remembering names so sometimes it's weird when I forget someone's name that I clearly have met numerous times. I never own up to it though, instead I try and trick them into telling it to me. "Man I love your name, what is the exact pronunciation again?...Oh, yeah. Dad. That's right. That's with 2 d's right?"

-I got pulled over the other day and when the cop walked up to my car he said,"Hey you're playing your music a little loudly huh?" I was like "Ummm...maybe." "Why?" "Ummm..because I like this song and the volume goes this high." "Well that's why I pulled you over." "Really? But we're in New York City not the movie 'Footloose'." Then after he left I rented a barn and threw a shitty dance with a bunch of redneck teenagers and taught Chris Penn how to dance.

-Whenever I get pulled over by a cop I immediately start to freak out and my mind just wanders to any little thing that I've done wrong in my life. It'll be like; "Oh shit! Did I forget to return that video?! Dammit, how did they find out I jerked off on my roommate's bed?!"

-And when you get pulled over why do they not tell you why they pulled you over immediately? Just fucking get to it already. Isn't it bad enough I'm gonna get a ticket? I don't wanna play charades with you. They always ask you if you know why they pulled you over. They don't make you guess the problem in other jobs. Like a Dr. "Listen we got your test results and do you know what disease you have?" "Umm...Hepatitis?" "No, any other guesses?" "You're a shitty Dr."

-I love watching these Presidential and VP debates because it's always just back and forth of one person saying something about the other person and then the other person refuting it. It's like: "Barack Obama voted to raise taxes 96 times in the Senate." "No, I didn't do that. John McCain voted to raise taxes 3 million times." "No I didn't that's not true. Barack Obama voted to kill everyone's mom." "No I didn't. John McCain voted to have babies thrown out of windows."
It's just someone says the other did something awful and then the other says it's not true and says the other did something worse. It's like being around a bad married couple.


-I was out with a chick on a first date recently and like a half hour in she tells me her biological clock is ticking and she needed to get pregnant in the next few months. That's sort of a heavy thing to lay on someone on a first date. That's like if I showed up to a first date and immediately said to the chick: "Look I need to have anal sex within the nexr 5 minutes. Can you handle that? Where are you going? Dammit! When am I gonna find the one. My anal sex clock is ticking. I only have 4 minutes left. Why are women so afraid to commit to having anal sex?"

-I have this friend and he'll tell me something and then immediately correct himself and the thing that he meant to say and got wrong is completely different from the first thing he said. It'll be like; "Hey did you hear that Steve who we went to high school with won an Academy Award?" "Really?" "Wait, no, I'm sorry, that's not what happened. What happened is Steve shit his pants." "Oh, wow, that is nothing like the first thing you said. How did you confuse those two things?" "Hey did you hear that Bill Gates hung himself?" "Really?" "No! Wait, I mean, Steve shit his pants again." "Oh. That again. Hey did you hear that I won the lottery?" "Really?" "No, what happened was I lent all your pants to Steve and then took him to Taco Bell."

-Someone told me that the show "Blue Collar Comedy" was looking for writers so I submitted a writing submission. I called the producers and made a fart noise into the phone. They made me head writer.

-I'm so sick of people praising Sarah Palin for simply not being awful in the VP debate. Everyone's treating her as if she's competing in the special olympics. It's like people are giving her props just for not completely humiliating herself. It's like: "She was amazing. I mean did you see the way she didn't shit herself during the debate? It was amazing. What a maverick."