-I meet a lot of people after comedy shows and I'm really bad with remembering names so sometimes it's weird when I forget someone's name that I clearly have met numerous times. I never own up to it though, instead I try and trick them into telling it to me. "Man I love your name, what is the exact pronunciation again?...Oh, yeah. Dad. That's right. That's with 2 d's right?"

-I got pulled over the other day and when the cop walked up to my car he said,"Hey you're playing your music a little loudly huh?" I was like "Ummm...maybe." "Why?" "Ummm..because I like this song and the volume goes this high." "Well that's why I pulled you over." "Really? But we're in New York City not the movie 'Footloose'." Then after he left I rented a barn and threw a shitty dance with a bunch of redneck teenagers and taught Chris Penn how to dance.

-Whenever I get pulled over by a cop I immediately start to freak out and my mind just wanders to any little thing that I've done wrong in my life. It'll be like; "Oh shit! Did I forget to return that video?! Dammit, how did they find out I jerked off on my roommate's bed?!"

-And when you get pulled over why do they not tell you why they pulled you over immediately? Just fucking get to it already. Isn't it bad enough I'm gonna get a ticket? I don't wanna play charades with you. They always ask you if you know why they pulled you over. They don't make you guess the problem in other jobs. Like a Dr. "Listen we got your test results and do you know what disease you have?" "Umm...Hepatitis?" "No, any other guesses?" "You're a shitty Dr."