-I think it's weird when people get mad at you for not seeing a movie. It's just strange that I could piss someone off so badly by simply not doing a trivial activity. People get really mad sometimes too. It's like; "I'm not talking to Tom anymore." "Why?" "He didn't see 'Purple Rain'."

What's even worse is when people get mad at you for having seen a movie. "You saw 'Scary Movie 2'? What the hell is wrong with you?" Then you get all defensive; "Well I didn't want to, I was forced to see it." I love when people say they were forced to see a movie. What happened? Were you walking by a deserted theatre playing shitty movies late at night and a guy jumped out with a gun; "ALL RIGHT! Get in there and see 'Glitter'!" After the movie ends you're crying the guy's like; "Oh you know you liked it. You wanted to see it, walking around this late at night wearing that Mariah Carey t-shirt you were asking for it."

-It's really bad when you're on a plane with a crying baby but it's even worse to be on a plane with a crying man. That happened to me the other day and it's weird because soothing a crying grown man is not as easy as soothing a baby. "Someone get this crying man some porn, a better job and a hotter wife."

-You know how I know for sure that Bush was a bad President? He was President of the US for 8 years and yet he's still an embarassment to his parents. You know you really fucked up when you became President and you're still the black sheep of the family. "So how's your son George doing?" "Ahhh...he's okay." "Someone told me he was President." "I don't like to talk about it. It's a sore subject. We're all very disappointed. Let's talk about my grandson, he's a podiatrist." "Oh you must be so proud." "He's our last hope."