-I feel like sometimes dudes will accuse me of cockblocking them when in reality they're just shitty with women. The other day a guy was talking to a chick and the chick said hi to me and then walked away from him. He was like; "Dude! What the fuck?! You ruined it for me!" But you weren't doing a good job getting her. So, if you can't have her then no one can? It's like if this guy went on a job interview and took a shit on the boss' desk and then I went in and interviewed and got the job he'd be like; "Dude! Thanks a lot for job blocking me! I wanted that job!Why do you have to move in on my jobs?" "But you're not good at getting jobs. So because you can't get a job none of us can get jobs?"

-I've found that as I get older when I have sex with someone I get excited about very different things then I did when I was younger. Before I would be like; "Al right! I'm having sex with this chick! This is sweet!" Now I'm like; "Al right! I'm having sex with a chick who lives really close to my job! Awesome! It'll only take me 5 minutes to get to work tomorrow! I can sleep 15 extra minutes!"

-I've found that boxers are the only people who can get away with having an adjective in front of their names. Like 'Marvelous' Marvin Hagler or 'Iron' Mike Tyson. People with normal jobs couldn't do that. "Hey everyone from now on call me 'Awesome' Jeff Smith." "But you're a cashier at Duane Reade." "I know but I'm really good at it." "I'm not calling you that dipshit." Boxers get away with it because they'll kick your ass if you don't do what they say. "From now on call me 'Marvelous' Marvin Hagler." "Why would I do that?" "Maybe because if you don't I'll pound your face into a brick wall." "Good argument 'Marvelous'."