-It's so fucking annoying to me when people register a facebook account and then don't put pictures of themselves up. What's even more annoying is when they do upload a bunch of pictures but they're not of them but rather their dog or a beach or a playground. Listen, the whole point of this thing is so that I can see if you're a chick I want to bang or not. It's called 'FACE'book not 'PICTURES OF YOUR PETS'book. If your dog wants to get out there let him set up his own account. But he won't cause he can't and also because he doesn't need friends. I saw this one chick's profile and all she had were pictures of the beach and underwater shots of fish. I was like are you a chick or a vacation resort?

-I saw this commercial for Progresso soup and in it there's this married couple and they're about to eat some crappy looking soup that's Campbells soup and the wife grabs the soup and says to her husband, "We don't need to eat this anymore, the kids are gone." Then they show how runny and shitty the soup looks. So you love your children so much that you weren't providing them with good food? Why were you neglecting your children? "Honey the kids are gone, we don't have to eat shit anymore." That's like having a commercial and the husband's about to eat dog food out of the toilet, "Honey, the kids are gone. We don't have to eat out of the toilet anymore. Now we can start eating actual food that's good for people." Where did the kids go anyway? Were they taken away by Childs Services? Did they hang themselves because they were being abused with crappy food? "Progresso. The official soup of asshole parents."

-Whenever someone is killed the news report describes them in a really positive light. Like they'll say; "A hardworking woman who lit up the lives of all those that knew her was struck down by a car today. Neighbors and friends say she always put a smile on their face." You never hear; "An unemployed loser drowned today. Those who knew him say he would always tell extremely inappropriate racist jokes and ask to borrow money." It seems like no one likes anyone until they die tragically. If you're unpopular then die.