-Have you ever mistakenly commented on a woman being pregnant when she wasn't? I took that to the next level, I mistakenly commented on a man being pregnant. "So when is your baby due?" "Umm...I'm a man." "Oh, sorry. I thought you were a woman and that you were pregnant. But I guess you're just a fat dude that looks like a chick. My bad." There's no recovering from that. That relationship is over. No shot at friendship.

-I was watching the 'Two Coreys' on A&E and Corey Feldman put together an intervention for Corey Haim to help him get his life back together. Todd Bridges was at the intervention. Man, you know your life is a mess when Todd Bridges is telling you you're a loser. That's like if someone put together an intervention for you and there was a puddle of dog shit there. "Tom, I invited some people over whose lives are more together than yours is to help you. Here's some dog shit and a guy who cut off his own dick."

-I heard someone yelling at someone else the other day and the guy said; "I hope your dick falls off on Christmas!" Man that is a very specific thing to wish for. Not only are you pulling for something awful to happen to this person but you even have the exact day picked out that you want it to fall on. It's not enough that the dude's dick simply fall off, it needs to coincide with Jesus' birthday. I guess that would make it worse. I mean having your dick fall off would be horrible but then to realize that it's Christmas would be twice as horrible.
"My dick just fell off."
"Merry Christmas honey!"
"Oh great. Now this is even worse. I have no dick and it's the happiest day of the year. This is really gonna ruin Christmas for me."
"Honey just try not to let it get to you. Open some of your presents."
"Are any of my presents super dick glue?"
"No."
"Well then presents aren't going to make me feel better right now. I'm sorry I'm just a little depressed right now since my dick fell off on Christmas. I've never even heard of that happening before."
If it didn't happen on Christmas would it not be as bad?
"My dick fell off. Well at least it's not Christmas, that would really have been a bummer. Thank God it's just Christmas Eve."

-I was watching the Olympics and they were talking about this guy who was the fastest runner in the world. He won like 3 gold medals last Olympics but this year he won only silver. Apparently he got a new coach after the last Olympics and since then his performance has changed. Was the new coach like; "Al right here's a new strategy were gonna try. Run slower. Trust me. It'll work." After he loses the race the runner's like "Um...yeah that didn't work coach." "I'm sorry I guess you were right after all. You should run faster than the other guys in the race. My bad."

-After this one race in the Olympics this American dude had won the Bronze and he was running around looking at the TV cameras chanting; "Number 1 baby!" Number 1? But you just came in 3rd. Are you familiar with the number 1? That's like if I won a ping pong game and afterwards I was like "Yeah! I'm President of the United States babby!" That's not accurate as to what just transpired.

-I don't know if A Rod really was banging Madonna or not but if he did than I feel like he only did it on principle. It's the same thing as Guy Ritchie marrying her. The prospect of landing Madonna seems so alluring but in reality they're not getting the Madonna that they really wanted. They're not getting the 1985 Madonna, they're getting a very used Madonna. It's like "Al right I got a Jaguar!" "Yeah, but it's an '83 Jaguar." "It's still a Jaguar." "Yeah, that's true but the ass is all torn out."

-Whenever I do standup if I do jokes about smoking weed inevitably someone will come up to me after the show and offer to let me smoke their weed with them. That's pretty cool. I'm gonna start doing jokes about hot chicks blowing me while handing me their money and see what happens.

-I was talking to someone about a movie they saw and they were like, "Yeah, it was really good. I mean everyone kept telling me how horrible it was so I went in with no expectaions." I think that's the best way to see a movie. That would have helped me enjoy so many more movies. If someone had told me that when you went to se "Step Brothers" that people in the theatre threw piles of diarrhea in your face for two hours I would have liked that movie so much more. "How was 'Step Brothers' Tom?" "It was a lot better than I thought it would be. No one was throwing diarrhea in my face, it was just a not very funny movie. I was pleasantly surprised."

-John Hinckley tried to kill the President to impress Jodie Foster. Apparently Jodie Foster is embarassed by this but if I were her I would tell everyone this. I would be totally proud. You know you must be pretty talented if people you don't know are trying to kill other people for you. It would be pretty impressive to people. "Hey Tom, how's your career going?" "Not bad." "Really? Any big projects coming up?" "Not really, but someone recently shot the President in the face because of how awesome I am." "Really?" "Yeah, I'm really talented."

-Recently I saw a dude picking his nose and then someone else said to him, "Pick a winner!" I've heard this before and I've never really understood it. Is that even a possibility? Has anyone ever won anything in that situation? Has anyone ever picked their nose and looked at what they picked and been like "Oh man, I won a car!" "Really? Man I gotta start picking my nose more." Then he picks his nose and looks at it, "Sorry, please try again. Damn! I have the worst boogers ever."