-Visa's slogan is "Visa, it's everywhere you want to be." Really? Visa is in Scarlett Johanssen's vagina?

-I love the movie 'The Lost Boys'. My favorite part is when the 35 year old couple loots comic books from the comic book store. Is that what 35 year old couples do? I don't think 35 year olds do that. Shoplifting comic books is something you outgrow when you turn 8.

-You know you're a shitty dad when your daughter becomes a stripper. But you know you're a really shitty dad when your son becomes a stripper. Because if you're a man and you're a stripper you have had to really pursue that job. The entire world is trying to get women to be strippers. All day men are yelling at women to take off their tops. A male stripper had to fight to get people to pay him to take off his pants for money.

-I was walking down the street and there was this smokingly hot chick walking, basically in her underwear, and this dude ahead of me looked at her and started angrily shaking his head to himself. Like he was angry at how hot this chick was. That's when you know you're hot, when men on the street are reacting to you the way they would react to an act of racism. "Damn look at that hot chick. Man, that shit just aint right."

-They say that every man grows up to marry a woman just like his mother. I think that's a bummer for most guys to hear, except for Pamela Anderson's sons.

-When you're a kid and you're trying to think of jobs you want to do when you grow up it's always a very vast list. It's like; "Okay I'm either gonna be an astronaut, a rock star or President." When you become an adult and you're trying to figure out jobs for yourself it's a bit more limited. It's like; "I'm either gonna hand out flyers, sell all my clothes or rob a video store."

-I was reading about this guy who knowingly gave 10 women the AIDS virus. This is just further proof that women like guys who are shitty to them. The guy wasn't even good looking, yet he's still having sex with lots of women. You know how many nice dudes without AIDS these women probably passed up? "God I went out with this guy the other night and it turns out he doesn't even have AIDS." What a bore. Drop his ass. You don't need that shit in your life. How's it going with that other guy you met who punched you in the face?" "Pretty good. I think he might have AIDS." "That sounds exciting. Does he have any friends?"