-I wonder if rapists ever get freaked out by the term 'date rape'. I feel like rapists have fears of intamacy. "You date raped me!" "Whoa! Back up! That wasn't a date. Slow down. We were just hangin out. I'm not looking for anything serious here."

-I got into a fight recently and the other guy said to me, "I'm gonna rip out your heart and eat it!" Did he really have to add the 'and eat it' part? Isn't that kind of overkill? I mean you've already ripped out my heart, why do you need to eat it too? At that point you've already killed me, now you're gonna try to gross me out too? "Oh my God, someone just ripped my heart out. I just hope he doesn't eat it. That would be over the line." That's like saying; "I'm gonna cut off your head and then comb your hair into a gay hairstyle!"

-I heard about this rapper who stabbed 50 Cent after 50 wrote a track dissing him. Then afterwards 50 Cent recorded another dis track calling the guy a pussy. Pussy? The guy stabbed you. Why are you antagonizing him? He clearly has knives and is not afraid to use them. If someone stabbed me I wouldn't write a dis rap afterwards. I'd write an apology rap. "Yo this goes out to the guy who stabbed me! It's called 'I'm sorry about what I said. Whatever I need to say to get you to stop stabbing me, just tell me and I'll say it!'"

-I saw a thing on the news about a celebrity that checked into the hospital for exhaustion. I always hear about celebs admitting themselves into the hospital for that. That's not a good reason to go to the hospital. When I'm exhausted I go to sleep in my bed. I don't call 911. "911 I need help. It's an emergency." "What's wrong?" "I'm exhausted." "Umm...why don't you just take a nap?" "I need bigger pillows! My bed isn't soft enough! Help me! Send an ambulance before I fall asleep!"

-How did the term 'sucks dick' get associated with negative things? When someone wants to convey that something is bad they'll say it 'sucks dick'. For example; "Man that painting is awful. It sucks dick." Now in my world something that sucks dick is great. If someone told me something 'sucked dick' I would be intrigued. "How was that movie?" "Oh, that movie sucks dick." "Oh my God. Where is it playing? That sounds like the feel good movie of the summer."

-I love when people try and pawn off their personality flaws on astrology. I knew this girl and she was like "Yeah I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had because I'm a Gemini." Yeah, I think you did that because you're a whore and a terrible person. I don't think the month of February is at fault here. I'm gonna start doing that. "Hey, why are you stealing my car?" "I'm a leo. Sorry man, it's out of my hands."

-The other day this friend of mine was hitting on a stripper and the stripper said there was a rule against dating customers. Even if that's true I feel like strippers clearly aren't making good decisions. So you've decided to do a job where you grind up on strangers genitals for a living yet you're going to stick to the "no dating customers" rule? "Look I'm not allowed to date customers. It wouldn't be ethical. Now give me a dollar and I'll show you my pussy. But seriously no dates. I'm really trying to follow the rules. Also for 40 dollars extra I'll blow you in the toilet. Just don't ask me to dinner afterwards."

-You can tell how well someone is doing in their life by how they're sleeping on the subway. How well they're doing is in direct proportion to how many seats they're taking up while sleeping. One seat. He's just tired and had a long day and on his way home. Two seats. He's had a tough month and maybe lost his job and is going home to a small apartment. A guy laying down on 4 seats. He's doing awful. He's not on his way home, he is home.

I used to date this chick who would always tell me about how big her ex boyfriend's dick was. I don't want to hear about that. She would always be like "Oh it was so big. It was too big. Yours is perfect." Really? Thanks. That's like if I was like. "My last girlfriend's vagina was so tight. It was too tight though. It made my penis feel too good. Yours is better. I love how flabby yours is. It makes me last much longer."