-The other day this friend of mine was hitting on a stripper and the stripper said there was a rule against dating customers. Even if that's true I feel like strippers clearly aren't making good decisions. So you've decided to do a job where you grind up on strangers genitals for a living yet you're going to stick to the "no dating customers" rule? "Look I'm not allowed to date customers. It wouldn't be ethical. Now give me a dollar and I'll show you my pussy. But seriously no dates. I'm really trying to follow the rules. Also for 40 dollars extra I'll blow you in the toilet. Just don't ask me to dinner afterwards."

-You can tell how well someone is doing in their life by how they're sleeping on the subway. How well they're doing is in direct proportion to how many seats they're taking up while sleeping. One seat. He's just tired and had a long day and on his way home. Two seats. He's had a tough month and maybe lost his job and is going home to a small apartment. A guy laying down on 4 seats. He's doing awful. He's not on his way home, he is home.

I used to date this chick who would always tell me about how big her ex boyfriend's dick was. I don't want to hear about that. She would always be like "Oh it was so big. It was too big. Yours is perfect." Really? Thanks. That's like if I was like. "My last girlfriend's vagina was so tight. It was too tight though. It made my penis feel too good. Yours is better. I love how flabby yours is. It makes me last much longer."