-I was giving this girl a ride home the other day and she was like; "Are you from Europe? Because you drive like you're from Europe. They drive terribly there." I was like; "Are you from dick? Because you're a dick."

-I was watching Youporn the other day and there is so much crazy disgusting shit on there. I was like; "man, there sure are a lot of shitty dads out there."

In the videos these chicks are doing these crazy, degrading things. This one girl was being filmed blowing three dudes and then banging a dog next to a highway. I would rather see the video of her being talked into doing that. I just have to see how persuasive these guys were that they sold this idea on her. I can barely get chicks I'm dating to just blow me in a room in the dark. I couldn't imagine being like; "Hey can you blow me?" "Maybe." "Wait, there's more. Can you blow these three other guys you don't know?" "Umm..." "Wait let me finish. And then have sex with this dog." "I'm not sure..." "Oh and I'm gonna film it and put it on the internet." "Well, you are really funny. Just this once. Don't tell anyone." "Oh, of course not. I'm a gentleman. Put a condom on the dog fellas and let's find a highway!"

-I was talking to this girl and she was about to go on vacation in South Beach Miami and she told me she was going to a tanning booth before she left. You're gonna go to a tanning booth before going to South Beach? Why? That's like if I was like "I'm going skiing next week so I'm gonna have someone break my leg before I leave." "I'm going to Vegas so I'm gonna burn all my money the night before my flight." "I'm going to Italy with my girlfriend so I'm gonna get in a fight about nothing with her and breakup prior to leaving."

-I wonder if rapists ever get freaked out by the term 'date rape'. I feel like rapists have fears of intamacy. "You date raped me!" "Whoa! Back up! That wasn't a date. Slow down. We were just hangin out. I'm not looking for anything serious here."

-I got into a fight recently and the other guy said to me, "I'm gonna rip out your heart and eat it!" Did he really have to add the 'and eat it' part? Isn't that kind of overkill? I mean you've already ripped out my heart, why do you need to eat it too? At that point you've already killed me, now you're gonna try to gross me out too? "Oh my God, someone just ripped my heart out. I just hope he doesn't eat it. That would be over the line." That's like saying; "I'm gonna cut off your head and then comb your hair into a gay hairstyle!"

-I heard about this rapper who stabbed 50 Cent after 50 wrote a track dissing him. Then afterwards 50 Cent recorded another dis track calling the guy a pussy. Pussy? The guy stabbed you. Why are you antagonizing him? He clearly has knives and is not afraid to use them. If someone stabbed me I wouldn't write a dis rap afterwards. I'd write an apology rap. "Yo this goes out to the guy who stabbed me! It's called 'I'm sorry about what I said. Whatever I need to say to get you to stop stabbing me, just tell me and I'll say it!'"

-I saw a thing on the news about a celebrity that checked into the hospital for exhaustion. I always hear about celebs admitting themselves into the hospital for that. That's not a good reason to go to the hospital. When I'm exhausted I go to sleep in my bed. I don't call 911. "911 I need help. It's an emergency." "What's wrong?" "I'm exhausted." "Umm...why don't you just take a nap?" "I need bigger pillows! My bed isn't soft enough! Help me! Send an ambulance before I fall asleep!"

-How did the term 'sucks dick' get associated with negative things? When someone wants to convey that something is bad they'll say it 'sucks dick'. For example; "Man that painting is awful. It sucks dick." Now in my world something that sucks dick is great. If someone told me something 'sucked dick' I would be intrigued. "How was that movie?" "Oh, that movie sucks dick." "Oh my God. Where is it playing? That sounds like the feel good movie of the summer."

-I love when people try and pawn off their personality flaws on astrology. I knew this girl and she was like "Yeah I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had because I'm a Gemini." Yeah, I think you did that because you're a whore and a terrible person. I don't think the month of February is at fault here. I'm gonna start doing that. "Hey, why are you stealing my car?" "I'm a leo. Sorry man, it's out of my hands."

-The other day this friend of mine was hitting on a stripper and the stripper said there was a rule against dating customers. Even if that's true I feel like strippers clearly aren't making good decisions. So you've decided to do a job where you grind up on strangers genitals for a living yet you're going to stick to the "no dating customers" rule? "Look I'm not allowed to date customers. It wouldn't be ethical. Now give me a dollar and I'll show you my pussy. But seriously no dates. I'm really trying to follow the rules. Also for 40 dollars extra I'll blow you in the toilet. Just don't ask me to dinner afterwards."

-You can tell how well someone is doing in their life by how they're sleeping on the subway. How well they're doing is in direct proportion to how many seats they're taking up while sleeping. One seat. He's just tired and had a long day and on his way home. Two seats. He's had a tough month and maybe lost his job and is going home to a small apartment. A guy laying down on 4 seats. He's doing awful. He's not on his way home, he is home.

I used to date this chick who would always tell me about how big her ex boyfriend's dick was. I don't want to hear about that. She would always be like "Oh it was so big. It was too big. Yours is perfect." Really? Thanks. That's like if I was like. "My last girlfriend's vagina was so tight. It was too tight though. It made my penis feel too good. Yours is better. I love how flabby yours is. It makes me last much longer."

-Visa's slogan is "Visa, it's everywhere you want to be." Really? Visa is in Scarlett Johanssen's vagina?

-I love the movie 'The Lost Boys'. My favorite part is when the 35 year old couple loots comic books from the comic book store. Is that what 35 year old couples do? I don't think 35 year olds do that. Shoplifting comic books is something you outgrow when you turn 8.

-You know you're a shitty dad when your daughter becomes a stripper. But you know you're a really shitty dad when your son becomes a stripper. Because if you're a man and you're a stripper you have had to really pursue that job. The entire world is trying to get women to be strippers. All day men are yelling at women to take off their tops. A male stripper had to fight to get people to pay him to take off his pants for money.