-I went to a Performing Arts high school in NYC and it was the complete opposite of the stereotypical suburban high school. We had sports team that no one gave a shit about at all. In fact at my school the jocks would come in with guns and shoot at people. They'd be like "You never talked to me in tapdance class! You're dead! You always made fun of my football uniform!! I'm sick of being ridiculed for not being the lead in 'Guys and Dolls'!"

-I saw an interview with some girl and she was talking about a popular guy and she said, 'I mean any chick would give both their breasts to date him.' Why would that even be a situation you would be in? Like the guy is gonna be like, 'Al right I'll go out with you but only if you cut off your breasts. I only date mutilated women without tits.'

-I love that saying "He wants to have his cake and eat it too." It's used to describe someone who is over demanding but I feel like that saying doesn't do a good job of conveying that. If someone is given cake and then wants to eat it I don't think of them as being irrational. Has anyone ever been okay just with having cake? "You mean you want cake and you want to eat it also?! You are a maniac. That's not how the world works dude." "This guy just wants to have it all, he wants to buy a house and then move into it. He wants to buy food in a restaurant and then put it in his mouth. He wants to install a toilet and then urinate into it."

-I was watching this thing on TV and they showed this guy waterskiing with no waterskis. Why do people do that? Am I supposed to think that you're a total bad ass now because you don't have the equipment used in the sport you're doing? They have skis that you can use. Why can't you just use the skis and be good with the skis on? When you waterski without the necessary equipment it doesn't make you look cool it makes you look poor. I wish that people who waterski without waterskis would also skydive without parachutes.

I also saw a guy skydiving while wearing a snowboard. I don't get this. You're skydiving why are you wearing ski equipment? Am I supposed to think you're good at skiing now too. That's like if I went skydiving while wearing doctors scrubs. "Man look at that guy skydiving! Apparently he's also a good radiologist! I can tell because he's falling really quickly wearing things that have nothing to do with what he's doing right now!"

- I was listening to this rap song and the rapper was like "Yeah I make convict music for convicts and thugs!" You make music for convicts and thugs? Is that really a very good demographic to be be focusing on? I mean I don't think convicts are able to purchase things. As far as I know there aren't record stores in prison. And I doubt they have laptops with Itunes. And thugs aren't a very good market either. I mean thugs don't really pay for things from what I know of them. They steal things. So basically you make music for people who never buy music. That's like being like; "Yeah I do music for ghosts and dead raccoons!" "But they don't buy Cd's."

-I was reading "The Secret" and the basic idea behind it is that if you really want something you just need to want it and you'll get it. As I read this I started to think that it was written by a 7 year old who was just used to getting anything he wanted when he wanted it. It felt like it was written by Richie Rich. "Listen you guys, if you want a shower made of gold coins just say you want it and you'll get it the next day. It worked for me!"

-It's so fucking annoying to me when people register a facebook account and then don't put pictures of themselves up. What's even more annoying is when they do upload a bunch of pictures but they're not of them but rather their dog or a beach or a playground. Listen, the whole point of this thing is so that I can see if you're a chick I want to bang or not. It's called 'FACE'book not 'PICTURES OF YOUR PETS'book. If your dog wants to get out there let him set up his own account. But he won't cause he can't and also because he doesn't need friends. I saw this one chick's profile and all she had were pictures of the beach and underwater shots of fish. I was like are you a chick or a vacation resort?

-I saw this commercial for Progresso soup and in it there's this married couple and they're about to eat some crappy looking soup that's Campbells soup and the wife grabs the soup and says to her husband, "We don't need to eat this anymore, the kids are gone." Then they show how runny and shitty the soup looks. So you love your children so much that you weren't providing them with good food? Why were you neglecting your children? "Honey the kids are gone, we don't have to eat shit anymore." That's like having a commercial and the husband's about to eat dog food out of the toilet, "Honey, the kids are gone. We don't have to eat out of the toilet anymore. Now we can start eating actual food that's good for people." Where did the kids go anyway? Were they taken away by Childs Services? Did they hang themselves because they were being abused with crappy food? "Progresso. The official soup of asshole parents."

-Whenever someone is killed the news report describes them in a really positive light. Like they'll say; "A hardworking woman who lit up the lives of all those that knew her was struck down by a car today. Neighbors and friends say she always put a smile on their face." You never hear; "An unemployed loser drowned today. Those who knew him say he would always tell extremely inappropriate racist jokes and ask to borrow money." It seems like no one likes anyone until they die tragically. If you're unpopular then die.

-I feel like sometimes dudes will accuse me of cockblocking them when in reality they're just shitty with women. The other day a guy was talking to a chick and the chick said hi to me and then walked away from him. He was like; "Dude! What the fuck?! You ruined it for me!" But you weren't doing a good job getting her. So, if you can't have her then no one can? It's like if this guy went on a job interview and took a shit on the boss' desk and then I went in and interviewed and got the job he'd be like; "Dude! Thanks a lot for job blocking me! I wanted that job!Why do you have to move in on my jobs?" "But you're not good at getting jobs. So because you can't get a job none of us can get jobs?"

-I've found that as I get older when I have sex with someone I get excited about very different things then I did when I was younger. Before I would be like; "Al right! I'm having sex with this chick! This is sweet!" Now I'm like; "Al right! I'm having sex with a chick who lives really close to my job! Awesome! It'll only take me 5 minutes to get to work tomorrow! I can sleep 15 extra minutes!"

-I've found that boxers are the only people who can get away with having an adjective in front of their names. Like 'Marvelous' Marvin Hagler or 'Iron' Mike Tyson. People with normal jobs couldn't do that. "Hey everyone from now on call me 'Awesome' Jeff Smith." "But you're a cashier at Duane Reade." "I know but I'm really good at it." "I'm not calling you that dipshit." Boxers get away with it because they'll kick your ass if you don't do what they say. "From now on call me 'Marvelous' Marvin Hagler." "Why would I do that?" "Maybe because if you don't I'll pound your face into a brick wall." "Good argument 'Marvelous'."

-I think it's weird when people get mad at you for not seeing a movie. It's just strange that I could piss someone off so badly by simply not doing a trivial activity. People get really mad sometimes too. It's like; "I'm not talking to Tom anymore." "Why?" "He didn't see 'Purple Rain'."

What's even worse is when people get mad at you for having seen a movie. "You saw 'Scary Movie 2'? What the hell is wrong with you?" Then you get all defensive; "Well I didn't want to, I was forced to see it." I love when people say they were forced to see a movie. What happened? Were you walking by a deserted theatre playing shitty movies late at night and a guy jumped out with a gun; "ALL RIGHT! Get in there and see 'Glitter'!" After the movie ends you're crying the guy's like; "Oh you know you liked it. You wanted to see it, walking around this late at night wearing that Mariah Carey t-shirt you were asking for it."

-It's really bad when you're on a plane with a crying baby but it's even worse to be on a plane with a crying man. That happened to me the other day and it's weird because soothing a crying grown man is not as easy as soothing a baby. "Someone get this crying man some porn, a better job and a hotter wife."

-You know how I know for sure that Bush was a bad President? He was President of the US for 8 years and yet he's still an embarassment to his parents. You know you really fucked up when you became President and you're still the black sheep of the family. "So how's your son George doing?" "Ahhh...he's okay." "Someone told me he was President." "I don't like to talk about it. It's a sore subject. We're all very disappointed. Let's talk about my grandson, he's a podiatrist." "Oh you must be so proud." "He's our last hope."

-I meet a lot of people after comedy shows and I'm really bad with remembering names so sometimes it's weird when I forget someone's name that I clearly have met numerous times. I never own up to it though, instead I try and trick them into telling it to me. "Man I love your name, what is the exact pronunciation again?...Oh, yeah. Dad. That's right. That's with 2 d's right?"

-I got pulled over the other day and when the cop walked up to my car he said,"Hey you're playing your music a little loudly huh?" I was like "Ummm...maybe." "Why?" "Ummm..because I like this song and the volume goes this high." "Well that's why I pulled you over." "Really? But we're in New York City not the movie 'Footloose'." Then after he left I rented a barn and threw a shitty dance with a bunch of redneck teenagers and taught Chris Penn how to dance.

-Whenever I get pulled over by a cop I immediately start to freak out and my mind just wanders to any little thing that I've done wrong in my life. It'll be like; "Oh shit! Did I forget to return that video?! Dammit, how did they find out I jerked off on my roommate's bed?!"

-And when you get pulled over why do they not tell you why they pulled you over immediately? Just fucking get to it already. Isn't it bad enough I'm gonna get a ticket? I don't wanna play charades with you. They always ask you if you know why they pulled you over. They don't make you guess the problem in other jobs. Like a Dr. "Listen we got your test results and do you know what disease you have?" "Umm...Hepatitis?" "No, any other guesses?" "You're a shitty Dr."

-I love watching these Presidential and VP debates because it's always just back and forth of one person saying something about the other person and then the other person refuting it. It's like: "Barack Obama voted to raise taxes 96 times in the Senate." "No, I didn't do that. John McCain voted to raise taxes 3 million times." "No I didn't that's not true. Barack Obama voted to kill everyone's mom." "No I didn't. John McCain voted to have babies thrown out of windows."
It's just someone says the other did something awful and then the other says it's not true and says the other did something worse. It's like being around a bad married couple.


-I was out with a chick on a first date recently and like a half hour in she tells me her biological clock is ticking and she needed to get pregnant in the next few months. That's sort of a heavy thing to lay on someone on a first date. That's like if I showed up to a first date and immediately said to the chick: "Look I need to have anal sex within the nexr 5 minutes. Can you handle that? Where are you going? Dammit! When am I gonna find the one. My anal sex clock is ticking. I only have 4 minutes left. Why are women so afraid to commit to having anal sex?"

-I have this friend and he'll tell me something and then immediately correct himself and the thing that he meant to say and got wrong is completely different from the first thing he said. It'll be like; "Hey did you hear that Steve who we went to high school with won an Academy Award?" "Really?" "Wait, no, I'm sorry, that's not what happened. What happened is Steve shit his pants." "Oh, wow, that is nothing like the first thing you said. How did you confuse those two things?" "Hey did you hear that Bill Gates hung himself?" "Really?" "No! Wait, I mean, Steve shit his pants again." "Oh. That again. Hey did you hear that I won the lottery?" "Really?" "No, what happened was I lent all your pants to Steve and then took him to Taco Bell."

-Someone told me that the show "Blue Collar Comedy" was looking for writers so I submitted a writing submission. I called the producers and made a fart noise into the phone. They made me head writer.

-I'm so sick of people praising Sarah Palin for simply not being awful in the VP debate. Everyone's treating her as if she's competing in the special olympics. It's like people are giving her props just for not completely humiliating herself. It's like: "She was amazing. I mean did you see the way she didn't shit herself during the debate? It was amazing. What a maverick."

-I saw a commercial for a new movie and the voice over guy was like; "This movie grabs you by the throat and never lets go!" Ahhh....really? That sounds shitty. I don't want to be choked for an entire movie. What're they gonna do next in movie commercials?; "This movie's gonna kick you in the face until you pass out and shit your pants, then it's gonna go to your high school reuinion and tell everyone that you're gay! It's also gonna fuck your little sister and never call her again! And after that it'll borrow your favorite sweater without asking and stretch out the neck." "That movie sounds amazing!"

-There are a lot of things in your life that you can pretend used to be better. Like if you're fat you can be like; "Oh man I used to be so skinny and ripped." Or if you're poor you can be like; "Man I used to be so rich, but I lost it all in the market." The one thing you can't do that with is your dick; "Oh man, I used to have such a big dick but then I stopped going to the gym. I really let myself go. I started eating nachos and drinking and now my dick's 2 inches long."

-Sarah Palin was really popular at first but now she seems to be losing her popularity. She's kind of like that chick who transfers into your school one year and no one knows her so everyone's intrigued. "Man who is that new chick? She's hot." But after a couple months you're like; "Ahh...she's stupid and kind of a bitch. Plus she only hangs out with seniors."

-I heard that some guys are going to vote for Palin because she's hot. I don't get that. She's not going to fuck you. Do you think if she gets elected she's gonna come by your house and blow you?

-I saw a story on the news about a guy who killed his girlfriend's cat out of jealousy. Jealousy? You're jealous of a cat? How lame are you that you feel like you can't compete with a cat? Maybe the cat was just a total asshole. The guy walks in and the cat's banging his girlfriend. "What the hell are you doing cat?!!" "MEOW! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! I'M MAKING LOVE! GO CLEAN MY LITTER BOX PUNK!" "Damn you cat! This is the last straw! First you steal my job and now you're fucking my girl kitty style! You're dead!"

-I called a friend of mine the other day and a recording came on that said; "This person's phone does not receive phone calls at the request of the owner." It doesn't receive phone calls? What does it do then? If you don't want to receive phone calls then don't buy a phone. "I finally got a cell phone. Now, how do I make it so that it's not a phone anymore. I want my phone to just lay there not being a phone." "I just bought a new printer and I made it so that it can't print things. It's great, it cost me 500 bucks it just sits there not doing the thing it was specifically made for. I also just bought a fan and then repeatedly hit it with a hammer. Now it's just a pile of plastic and metal."

-Taco Bell has this new taco called the 'Volcano Taco', apparently it's super hot. In the commercial they show a guy eat it and then flames shoot out of his mouth like he's on fire. That looks awful. I don't get it when people want their food to be painful. In the commercial they're not even trying to sell that it tastes good, just that it'll burn your mouth. What's next there, are they gonna have a taco where you go in and they just throw a vat of acid at your face with fajitas mixed in. "AHHHHH!!!! THIS IS AMAZING! MY FACE IS MELTING!! THIS IS REALLY HOT!! I CAN TASTE THE CHICKEN MIXED WITH MY BURNING FLESH!!! I'm gonna get another one after I get back from the emergency room." You couldn't sell other things just on the idea that the thing will hurt you. "Buy the new PC 2000. Every time you touch the keyboard you get eletrocuted!" "That looks amazing! I'm gonna get that! It looks like it's gonna hurt a lot! This thing's amazing, I can't feel my legs."

This is astill from the Cuba Gooding Jr. movie 'Radio' where he plays a retarded guy named Radio. I feel like they just went overboard in making him as retarded as possible. First of all they named him Radio. That's a retarded name to start off with and what exactly is he doing in this picture? He's rolling down a street in a shopping cart while holding a stick? It's like, okay we get it, he's retarded. You don't have to beat us over the head with it. I've never seen a retarded person in a shopping cart holding a stick. I think the producers overplayed their retard hand.

-I was listening to this rapper and he said that he wrote a song right after he got shot 7 times and then he played it and it was like; "Yeah, laying on the ground I look up at the sky and see the stars of my hometown..." That seems pretty calm for a song you wrote right after you got shot. If I got shot 7 times and wrote a song directly after I got shot it would be more like; "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! WHO THE FUCK JUST SHOT ME IN THE LEG!!??? WHY DID THEY SHOOT ME?!!! OH MY GOD! THEY'RE STILL SHOOTING!!! HOW MANY TIMES ARE THEY GONNA SHOOT ME?!!! SOMEONE MAKE THEM STOP SHOOTING ME SO MUCH!! GET THE GUN AWAY FROM HIM ALREADY!! IS HE EVER GONNA RUN OUT OF BULLETS?!!" And then the rest of the song would just be me crying.

-I saw a bunch of signs people were holding at the RNC and they said; "McCain-Palin-Country First" Is there any candidate that is not running on that platform? Are there ever candidates that are like; "My stance is country 4th and nachos 1st!" Every candidate is putting the country first. They're going to be running the country! What else would they put first? Republicans are not taking a postition that's unique. They're just saying things that every normal person would be behind. That's like if they made campaign signs that said; "MCCAIN/PALIN-NO PUNCHING BABIES IN THE FACE!"

-I was reading about some battle in a war and they were saying that all these people were killed in an effort to secure a 'hill'. I always read about these fierce battles over hills. Why are people risking their lives for hills? Are hills that amazing? I've never seen a hill and been like; "I'd die for that hill if I had to. It's an amazing hill. It's really steep." I would be so pissed if I went to war and the head of my unit was like; "Al right men. Get your machine guns ready, we're gonna try and take over that pile of dirt." "But, I don't want that." "Sorry, you're gonna have to maybe die to get it." "But I have dirt at home."

-I love how the Republicans big selling point for McCain being President is the fact that he was a POW for 7 years. How does this make him qualified to be President? He was a prisoner so that makes him the best candidate to run the country? That wouldn't get someone a job in another situation. "You gotta go to my Dr. he's great." "Why? Did he go to Harvard?" "No, even better, he was locked in a cage for 7 years in a jungle." "Oh, that has nothing to do with being a good Dr." "What? You're gonna go with a guy who wasn't punched in the face by Vietnamese dudes? Good luck man."

-Have you ever mistakenly commented on a woman being pregnant when she wasn't? I took that to the next level, I mistakenly commented on a man being pregnant. "So when is your baby due?" "Umm...I'm a man." "Oh, sorry. I thought you were a woman and that you were pregnant. But I guess you're just a fat dude that looks like a chick. My bad." There's no recovering from that. That relationship is over. No shot at friendship.

-I was watching the 'Two Coreys' on A&E and Corey Feldman put together an intervention for Corey Haim to help him get his life back together. Todd Bridges was at the intervention. Man, you know your life is a mess when Todd Bridges is telling you you're a loser. That's like if someone put together an intervention for you and there was a puddle of dog shit there. "Tom, I invited some people over whose lives are more together than yours is to help you. Here's some dog shit and a guy who cut off his own dick."

-I heard someone yelling at someone else the other day and the guy said; "I hope your dick falls off on Christmas!" Man that is a very specific thing to wish for. Not only are you pulling for something awful to happen to this person but you even have the exact day picked out that you want it to fall on. It's not enough that the dude's dick simply fall off, it needs to coincide with Jesus' birthday. I guess that would make it worse. I mean having your dick fall off would be horrible but then to realize that it's Christmas would be twice as horrible.
"My dick just fell off."
"Merry Christmas honey!"
"Oh great. Now this is even worse. I have no dick and it's the happiest day of the year. This is really gonna ruin Christmas for me."
"Honey just try not to let it get to you. Open some of your presents."
"Are any of my presents super dick glue?"
"No."
"Well then presents aren't going to make me feel better right now. I'm sorry I'm just a little depressed right now since my dick fell off on Christmas. I've never even heard of that happening before."
If it didn't happen on Christmas would it not be as bad?
"My dick fell off. Well at least it's not Christmas, that would really have been a bummer. Thank God it's just Christmas Eve."

-I was watching the Olympics and they were talking about this guy who was the fastest runner in the world. He won like 3 gold medals last Olympics but this year he won only silver. Apparently he got a new coach after the last Olympics and since then his performance has changed. Was the new coach like; "Al right here's a new strategy were gonna try. Run slower. Trust me. It'll work." After he loses the race the runner's like "Um...yeah that didn't work coach." "I'm sorry I guess you were right after all. You should run faster than the other guys in the race. My bad."

-After this one race in the Olympics this American dude had won the Bronze and he was running around looking at the TV cameras chanting; "Number 1 baby!" Number 1? But you just came in 3rd. Are you familiar with the number 1? That's like if I won a ping pong game and afterwards I was like "Yeah! I'm President of the United States babby!" That's not accurate as to what just transpired.

-I don't know if A Rod really was banging Madonna or not but if he did than I feel like he only did it on principle. It's the same thing as Guy Ritchie marrying her. The prospect of landing Madonna seems so alluring but in reality they're not getting the Madonna that they really wanted. They're not getting the 1985 Madonna, they're getting a very used Madonna. It's like "Al right I got a Jaguar!" "Yeah, but it's an '83 Jaguar." "It's still a Jaguar." "Yeah, that's true but the ass is all torn out."

-Whenever I do standup if I do jokes about smoking weed inevitably someone will come up to me after the show and offer to let me smoke their weed with them. That's pretty cool. I'm gonna start doing jokes about hot chicks blowing me while handing me their money and see what happens.

-I was talking to someone about a movie they saw and they were like, "Yeah, it was really good. I mean everyone kept telling me how horrible it was so I went in with no expectaions." I think that's the best way to see a movie. That would have helped me enjoy so many more movies. If someone had told me that when you went to se "Step Brothers" that people in the theatre threw piles of diarrhea in your face for two hours I would have liked that movie so much more. "How was 'Step Brothers' Tom?" "It was a lot better than I thought it would be. No one was throwing diarrhea in my face, it was just a not very funny movie. I was pleasantly surprised."

-John Hinckley tried to kill the President to impress Jodie Foster. Apparently Jodie Foster is embarassed by this but if I were her I would tell everyone this. I would be totally proud. You know you must be pretty talented if people you don't know are trying to kill other people for you. It would be pretty impressive to people. "Hey Tom, how's your career going?" "Not bad." "Really? Any big projects coming up?" "Not really, but someone recently shot the President in the face because of how awesome I am." "Really?" "Yeah, I'm really talented."

-Recently I saw a dude picking his nose and then someone else said to him, "Pick a winner!" I've heard this before and I've never really understood it. Is that even a possibility? Has anyone ever won anything in that situation? Has anyone ever picked their nose and looked at what they picked and been like "Oh man, I won a car!" "Really? Man I gotta start picking my nose more." Then he picks his nose and looks at it, "Sorry, please try again. Damn! I have the worst boogers ever."

-I put a DVD in my DVD player yesterday and the words came up:"DOES NOT RECOGNIZE". I was like, what the fuck? You don't recognize it? Why not? It's a fucking DVD and you're a DVD player what's the problem? This is what you do. It's the only job you have as a DVD player. It's not like I put a ham sandwich in there.

-People keep saying that Heath Ledger has a good chance of winning the Oscar for his performance in The Dark Knight. That's cool and it would be a nice gesture if he did win but it would really suck to be one of the other guys nominated who loses. It'd be like, "You gave it to him? But he's dead. He can't do anything with it. I mean he was awesome and all but I'm right here and still alive, why not just give it to me? I came all the way to the show and rented a tux. He's in heaven, he doesn't need an Oscar."

-I went to a wedding celebration over the last few days and it started disastrously. First of all I got a call from some girl who needed a ride. She was friend's with the bride. I was driving up and I agreed to pick her up on the way. She asked me when I would be leaving and I said 2:30. She then got very excited, way too excited if you ask me. I hate it when people get overly excited about nothing things. She was like "2:30! YAYYY! THAT'S PERFECT!!" That's how happy you get about a fucking departure time? What would happen to you if something actually good happened to you? If you won the lottery would your head explode?

So the next day I get a call from this girl at around 1. She's like "So, I was just wondering where you were in terms of leaving." I was confused because the day before I had said specifically 2:30 and then she celebrated about it so I thought it was clear. I said, "Well I'm almost ready so I'll leave here at 2:15." She said, "So it'll take you about a half hour to get here right?" "Yeah that's right. So I'll be there at 2:45. I'll call you when I pull up." Then she says, "Can you call me when you're leaving and when you get here?" Call you when I'm leaving?! What the fuck is this? I'm not a fucking limo service. I was not happy about her telling me to keep calling her. I felt like saying, 'Yeah sure and I'll also call you every 2 minutes during my trip so that you know exactly where I am every step of the way." What I actually said was, "Look, I'm leaving at 2:15 so I'll be there at 2:45. I'll call you when I get there." "So you're certain you're leaving at 2:15?" "Yeah." "Okay." And that was that.


I pull up to this chick's building right at 2:45 on the dot. I call her and she's like, "Hello?" "Hey it's Tom, I'm downstairs." She says, "Oh God, I'm nowhere near being ready." This seemed very odd to me since we had been talking for almost 2 days about me picking her up at this time. It was also a 2 night trip so I didn't understand what she needed to do to get ready. She said she was baking and I wasn't really sure why she hadn't baked the night before or this morning. She went on, "I'll be down in 10 minutes." "Um...okay." I said sort of not sure what the hell was going on. "I'll be right down." She said. Now one thing I hate is to be kept waiting. I simply refuse to do it. If someone I'm supposed to meet is more than 15 minutes late without calling I'll leave. I feel like it is so rude to waste my time and I just won't do it. But this was unusual because I didn't even know this chick.

I decided that instead of just sitting there in the car like a jackass that I would get coffee and look for a bank to get some cash for the trip. This chick lived in Washington Heights which is on the northern tip of Manhattan. It's a shit area and as I was driving many of the neighborhood thug types kept just walking in front of my car defiantly and not moving. There's this thing that people in NYC do that's truly remarkable. What they do is they walk in the middle of the street when cars are coming and the light is green and they deliberately block you from driving. It's kind of like this inner city game of chicken. They act like they're punking you and stare you down menacingly. Like they've backed you down and have beaten you somehow. Which I don't really understand I mean it's like, yeah, I'm not going to run you over and kill you. Does that prove that I'm a wimp? It's not because I'm a loser it's because I'm not a murderer. Anyhow, as I drove this happened like thirty times, which just added to the already building tension in my system.

I drove around and just figured this girl would call me when she was downstairs. 10 minutes came and went and no call. 15 minutes, no call. 20 minutes, no call. At this point I really started to get pissed off because it started to hit me that this chick that I didn't even know, who I was doing a favor, was keeping me waiting in my car for 20 minutes without even calling me to apologize or explain herself. This was the same chick who was demanding constant updates of my trip up to her place. 25 minutes passed and no call. I literally was about to just leave without her. Then after about 28 minutes my phone rang and it was her. I was like 'fuck her, I'm not answering.'

She then called again about 2 minutes later and now it was my turn to make her wait. I checked the message that she left and it went like this; "Hey Tom, um..I'm out here but I don't think I see you, um, can you call me. If you left I wish you would tell me so I can take a bus." I was amazed at her tone in the message. There was no, 'hey I'm sorry I took 30 minutes to come downstairs.' Nothing like that, in fact she sounded annoyed with me like the audacity of me to not be right there waiting for her when she finally emerged. This was just getting worse and worse.

I finally called her and I said, "Hey. So you're finally ready?" She then said, "Yeah. Where are you?" "I left," I said. I hadn't actually left but I wanted her to think that she had no ride now. "You left?" she asked incredulously. "Why would you just leave?" she asked in a way that indicated that she was unaware that she had just made me wait for her in a car for 30 minutes without calling me or apologizing. "Well you never came down," I said. "Yes I did." "You made me wait for you for 30 minutes." Then she says, "I was down here in 25 minutes." She said in this very condescending tone as if she was unleashing this amazing defense on me. Like she was throwing this in my face to prove how unreasonable I was. That's like if someone shot you and you were like "You asshole! You shot me in the face!" and they were like "Dude, I did not shoot you in the face, I shot you in the neck." As if this were any less offensive and wrong. She seemed to think that making someone you don't know, who's doing you a favor, wait 25 minutes is absolutely nothing like making them wait 30 minutes. And first of all she was wrong. I had the time she called on my phone and it was 28 minutes after we had agreed to meet.

I finally said, "Well 25 minutes is a long time to be late too." She then took on this very angry defensive tone, when what she should have been doing was begging my forgiveness. "Why didn't you call me?" she asked as if she had had it with me. Call her? Like it was my responsibility to be calling her in this situation. I said, "I did call you when I got there to pick you up at the time we agreed to meet. I'm not going to keep calling you." Then she says, "I'll just take the bus," and hung up on me. That sounded fine to me and I drove towards the bridge not really sure how this person gets through life acting this way.

As I drove I got a call from the bride from the wedding celebration I was heading towards. I answered and she was like, "Hey what hapened? My friend called me and said you left her. She said she was 15 minutes late and you just left." I already could see that she was mutilating the story in her favor. I'm sure that when she told others the story later I had been the one who was late and just left her. I explained what had happened to my friend, that I had not left but was driving to get coffee and that her friend, after being 30 minutes late, had hung up on me and said she'd take a bus. My friend told me that there were no buses leaving till the next day and that the girl was now stranded. So basically this chick who's big alternate bus plan she had so brazenly used to one up me had blown up in her face and now I was her only hope. My friend asked me to please give her a ride and I agreed.

I called the girl and I think she answered and then hung up on me. I called again and she answered and I said, "Look I'll give you a ride. I hadn't left. When I said I left I meant to go get something to drink. I would have told you that if you had not hung up on me. I can give you a ride still." Then she sounded apologetic but she kind of seemed confused also. She said somthing to the effect of, "I'm really sorry if I did something to offend you. Whatever I did I'm sorry." It was as if she had no idea why I was mad, even though I had told her exactly why. She was taking this weird stance that was like I was crazy and she had done somthing inadvertently that she didn't understand. I could tell she was sort of panicking because she knew she was stuck without a ride or a bus ride.

I went to pick her up and it took me at least 20 minutes to get there, the tables had turned suddenly. We were sort of overly polite to each other for most of the trip. As we talked it became apparent that she was really annoying. At one point we started talking about the new Batman movie and she said she wanted to see it snce it was the role that killed Heath Ledger. Basically she was saying what the media had been saying, that playing the role of the Joker was so traumatic and daunting that it drove Heath Ledger over the edge and he killed himself. I had heard this theory from Access Hollywood, which I do not believe to be a very worthy news source. This theory is so fucking stupid and retarded and its so clearly the media trying to fabricate some sort of story. I told this girl that if he died because he played the Joker than why didn't all those actors die who had played crazy characters? Why didn't Jim Carrey kill himself after playing the Riddler? Why didn't Anthony Hopkins kill himself after playing Hannibal Lecter? All those characters were maniacs. She of course got very defensive and explained to me, patronizingly, that method actors sometimes get so immersed in their roles that they get stuck in them. She told me that that had happened to her personally. What a surprise. I wanted to ask if she had recently played a character who was a pretentious moron, because she seemed stuck in that role.

I sort of tried to not get pulled into an argument but I said that if Heath Ledger died because he played the Joker then that's pretty sad and I would like to think that he was a stronger individual than that. It must suck to die like that because then you can't defend yourself when morons are speculating on your death. Like if I died idiots could be like, "Yeah he died because he masturbated too much." And I couldn't be like, "Wait no, that has nothing to do with it."

When we got there we separated and I barely saw her the rest of the time. The rest of the weekend was sort of a nightmare but at least I got a good story out of the deal.

-Richard Pryor once said that when he was in prison to avoid being raped he would tell jokes to get the rapist's mind off of attacking him. He must've had some great material to stop someone from raping him. Was the rapist like; "Man, that was so funny I forgot to rape you." This makes me think that some comics would be screwed in prison. Like Gallagher would have no chance, unless someone tried to rape him during lunch. Prop comics would be screwed. Like Carrot Top. Every time a friend would come to visit he'd be like; "Dude, did you bring my trunk?!" "No, I forgot." "Dude!! I need that shit! I told you to remember! You're killing me here!!" "Why? What's the big deal?" "Nothing. It's just very important that I be as funny as I can be in here."

-I was on youtube and you can leave comments under videos but what's amazing to me is that people can rate other people's comments. How fucking lame are you that you're critiquing a comment some random person left under a youtube video? Just leave your own comment loser. "I really liked that comment you made about that Gerardo video. You nailed it! You're right, he does have some great moves. I really enjoy your comments. Are you going to be commenting on things you see at some point in the future? Let me know, because I'm a loser."

-I discovered this great new drug that deals with hair loss problems. It's called marijuana. Just smoke a lot of it and you won't care anymore about losing your hair.

-When I was in high school I failed English, which was really embarassing because that just sounds like such an easy class. I speak English, so how could I fail English? That's like me failing a class called 'urinating in the toilet.' People would be like; "You failed 'Urinating in the toilet'? Man you should have aced that. How dumb are you?"

-Christie Brinkley's husband cheated on her with a smokingly hot 18 year old girl and apparently spent thousands of dollars on internet porn. Man, he is such a....guy. Everyone's so up in arms about it, mainly women, but all of us guys are deep down like, "Well he is a dude and the chick was really hot." I know a bunch of older married dudes who are like "I would never cheat on my wife with an 18 year old girl." Yeah, that's cause no 18 year old chicks will bang you. If they would then you would fuck them. And he spent thousands on porn because he's a millionaire and to him 20 grand is like me spending 30 bucks on porn. It's all relative.

And it serves Christie Brinkley right that this dude did that. That guy looks like such a douche and you know he was a douche from the start. I'm sure he did douchey things before this. I'm sure everyone knew he was a dick. You always see these hot chicks with total assholes so I don't feel bad when the asshole finally fucks them over. You knew what you were getting into. I'm sure there were a million nice guys that Christie shit on before marrying this dude.

It's like when Tatum O'Neal married John McEnroe and then after they got divorced she was like "He was a mean bully." Yeah! He's John McEnroe! You didn't know he was a dick before you married him? Everyone knows he's a dick. You never watched him play tennis on national TV Tatum? That's like marrying Idi Amin and being like "Ya know, he's kinda moody and a control freak. I had no idea."

- I was talking to this idiot the other day and they worked at the Gap. I told her about my being a comedian and she was like. "That's great that you have passion. It's just like me. I mean I followed my passion too." I was like, you work in the fucking Gap, how is that at all like me? Working at the Gap isn't passionate. Yeah how did you ever find the courage to pursue that passion? Is anyone sitting at home like; "One day I'll make my way into the world and after years of hard work I'll get a job folding jeans and hanging sweaters! It's what I love! I just hope I have what it takes to fill out an application!"

-I bought some ecstasy recently but I think it was not very high quality. While on it I didn't love everyone I just sort of liked everyone a lot. All night I was cornering people being like "Oh my God, I think you have some commendable qualities."

-I used to hate text messaging because it always takes forever for me to type a message, but now I like it. If you're pissed off at someone and you're writing them an angry text message in the heat of the moment then by the time you're done writing the text so much time has gone by that you're not angry anymore. It's like: "Fuck this job! I'm gonna text my boss and tell him I quit! H....e....y....I.....am.....sick.....of.....working.....for.....u......so......I.....do....not........want........to......um......never....mind. C....U.....tomorow.
"Thank God it took me 40 minutes to write that text. Gave me time to cool off."

-Someone was telling me they had 'bad' sex the other night. I don't really get that. I mean I feel like if I'm having sex then it's good. I feel like that's like saying, "Yeah I found bad money in my pocket." How can finding money be bad? The only way I could imagine having bad sex is if like in the middle the chick shot me. "Man that was some bad sex. It was great until she shot me in the neck."

-When men get fat we get breasts, which sucks. It sucks that if I get fat I'm going to develop female parts. That doesn't happen the other way around though. Like if a woman gets fat she doesn't grow a dick.

-I saw a billboard about donating your car and it had a picture of a 5 year old girl smiling widely. So, if I donate my car then you're going to give it to a 5 year old girl? Why does she need my car? She doesn't need a car, she shouldn't even be driving. Is there an epidemic in this country that I'm unaware of? Are there 5 year olds that don't have cars? That's a good thing. 'Mommy I don't like my car!' 'Shut up! Do you know there are 5 year old girls in America who don't even have cars! They have to drive their parents'!'

That's like having an ad about donating overcoats and then having a picture of a lobster.

Did the guy who designed this billboard not understand the assignment? "Umm...this is an ad about donating cars." "Oh! Sorry, I thought it was about eating candy."

-I was talking to some chick I met and they were like "Do you get high?" I was like "Yeah totally." Then we went to her room and she took out all this coke and started snorting it and smoking it. I was like "This is what you meant when you asked me if I get high?" She was like incredulous and was like "Yeah, what did you think I meant?" I was like "Well, I thought you meant the thing that everyone means when they use the term 'get high'". I feel like that's pretty universally known that 'get high' means smoke weed, not freebase cocaine. She really had her slang for things wrong.
That's like being like "Hey do you get high?" "Yeah." And then taking me to rob a bank. "What is this? Why am I robbing a bank with you?" "You said you got high!" "I know, but this is not at all what that saying means." "Do you play tennis?" "Yeah!" "Cool let's play tennis." Cut to the next day. "Why are we stealing babies?" "Dude! You said you liked to play tennis!" "This is not tennis. You're bad at describing things you want to do."

Whenever you talk to someone and you find out that you both randomly know the same person someone will say; "Wow, small world." But you never hear the opposite, if you're talking to someone and they're like; "Do you know Jeff Giles?" "No." "Oh, big world." "Do you know Alan Shenper?" "I think I might have met him once." "Medium sized world."

I just taped 3 episodes of the show 'Best Week Ever' and every week I watch I'm never on it at all. I finally started to think that maybe the producers were just trying to get me to watch the show. Like maybe this is how shows build up an audience. Maybe the show 'Two and a half men' has so many viewers because they filmed 3 million people and told them they'd be on the show at some point.

-I was watching "Rock of Love" with Brett Michaels and he was going to cut this chick because he kept saying that she wouldn't be able to handle his lifestyle. What? You're an over the hill, washed up rock star, has been, how hard could it be to handle your lifestyle? "Can you handle me being an old loser that can't let go of the past and has 47 year old groupies?" "Ahhh...I guess." "Really? You can really handle me not being very famous and no one giving a shit when I play a show?" "Um...you're a loser. I gotta go."

-I know this girl who got pregnant recently and now she keeps blaming all her weight on being pregnant but she was overweight before. It's so annoying listening to her try and act like she's just suddenly heavy; "Oh man this baby really is making my ass big, but now I have to eat for two." I'm like; "But you were fat before. Eating for two? You just ate 11 tacos. You have a 3 pound fetus in your stomach not Tom Arnold."

-I saw a biography on the show "The Brady Bunch" and they were interviewing this dude who made a career out of knowing facts about the Brady Bunch. He called himself a 'Bradyologist'. That's funny because I thought we already had a word for people who do that, 'Loser'.

-Then they interviewed the chick who played Cindy and they asked her what she was doing now and she said she's a spokesperson for people with migraine headaches. I didn't know that was a job? Do people with migraines need a spokesperson? What does she do, go to events and stand at a podium; "Hello everyone. I have a statement from people who have migraine headaches. 'OWWWWWW!! FUCK!! TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN! GET ME AN ASPIRIN!!'"