-Someone told me that the show "Blue Collar Comedy" was looking for writers so I submitted a writing submission. I called the producers and made a fart noise into the phone. They made me head writer.

-I'm so sick of people praising Sarah Palin for simply not being awful in the VP debate. Everyone's treating her as if she's competing in the special olympics. It's like people are giving her props just for not completely humiliating herself. It's like: "She was amazing. I mean did you see the way she didn't shit herself during the debate? It was amazing. What a maverick."