-I love watching these Presidential and VP debates because it's always just back and forth of one person saying something about the other person and then the other person refuting it. It's like: "Barack Obama voted to raise taxes 96 times in the Senate." "No, I didn't do that. John McCain voted to raise taxes 3 million times." "No I didn't that's not true. Barack Obama voted to kill everyone's mom." "No I didn't. John McCain voted to have babies thrown out of windows."
It's just someone says the other did something awful and then the other says it's not true and says the other did something worse. It's like being around a bad married couple.


-I was out with a chick on a first date recently and like a half hour in she tells me her biological clock is ticking and she needed to get pregnant in the next few months. That's sort of a heavy thing to lay on someone on a first date. That's like if I showed up to a first date and immediately said to the chick: "Look I need to have anal sex within the nexr 5 minutes. Can you handle that? Where are you going? Dammit! When am I gonna find the one. My anal sex clock is ticking. I only have 4 minutes left. Why are women so afraid to commit to having anal sex?"

-I have this friend and he'll tell me something and then immediately correct himself and the thing that he meant to say and got wrong is completely different from the first thing he said. It'll be like; "Hey did you hear that Steve who we went to high school with won an Academy Award?" "Really?" "Wait, no, I'm sorry, that's not what happened. What happened is Steve shit his pants." "Oh, wow, that is nothing like the first thing you said. How did you confuse those two things?" "Hey did you hear that Bill Gates hung himself?" "Really?" "No! Wait, I mean, Steve shit his pants again." "Oh. That again. Hey did you hear that I won the lottery?" "Really?" "No, what happened was I lent all your pants to Steve and then took him to Taco Bell."