-I was talking to some chick I met and they were like "Do you get high?" I was like "Yeah totally." Then we went to her room and she took out all this coke and started snorting it and smoking it. I was like "This is what you meant when you asked me if I get high?" She was like incredulous and was like "Yeah, what did you think I meant?" I was like "Well, I thought you meant the thing that everyone means when they use the term 'get high'". I feel like that's pretty universally known that 'get high' means smoke weed, not freebase cocaine. She really had her slang for things wrong.
That's like being like "Hey do you get high?" "Yeah." And then taking me to rob a bank. "What is this? Why am I robbing a bank with you?" "You said you got high!" "I know, but this is not at all what that saying means." "Do you play tennis?" "Yeah!" "Cool let's play tennis." Cut to the next day. "Why are we stealing babies?" "Dude! You said you liked to play tennis!" "This is not tennis. You're bad at describing things you want to do."

Whenever you talk to someone and you find out that you both randomly know the same person someone will say; "Wow, small world." But you never hear the opposite, if you're talking to someone and they're like; "Do you know Jeff Giles?" "No." "Oh, big world." "Do you know Alan Shenper?" "I think I might have met him once." "Medium sized world."

I just taped 3 episodes of the show 'Best Week Ever' and every week I watch I'm never on it at all. I finally started to think that maybe the producers were just trying to get me to watch the show. Like maybe this is how shows build up an audience. Maybe the show 'Two and a half men' has so many viewers because they filmed 3 million people and told them they'd be on the show at some point.

-I was watching "Rock of Love" with Brett Michaels and he was going to cut this chick because he kept saying that she wouldn't be able to handle his lifestyle. What? You're an over the hill, washed up rock star, has been, how hard could it be to handle your lifestyle? "Can you handle me being an old loser that can't let go of the past and has 47 year old groupies?" "Ahhh...I guess." "Really? You can really handle me not being very famous and no one giving a shit when I play a show?" "Um...you're a loser. I gotta go."

-I know this girl who got pregnant recently and now she keeps blaming all her weight on being pregnant but she was overweight before. It's so annoying listening to her try and act like she's just suddenly heavy; "Oh man this baby really is making my ass big, but now I have to eat for two." I'm like; "But you were fat before. Eating for two? You just ate 11 tacos. You have a 3 pound fetus in your stomach not Tom Arnold."

-I saw a biography on the show "The Brady Bunch" and they were interviewing this dude who made a career out of knowing facts about the Brady Bunch. He called himself a 'Bradyologist'. That's funny because I thought we already had a word for people who do that, 'Loser'.

-Then they interviewed the chick who played Cindy and they asked her what she was doing now and she said she's a spokesperson for people with migraine headaches. I didn't know that was a job? Do people with migraines need a spokesperson? What does she do, go to events and stand at a podium; "Hello everyone. I have a statement from people who have migraine headaches. 'OWWWWWW!! FUCK!! TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN! GET ME AN ASPIRIN!!'"