-I know this girl who got pregnant recently and now she keeps blaming all her weight on being pregnant but she was overweight before. It's so annoying listening to her try and act like she's just suddenly heavy; "Oh man this baby really is making my ass big, but now I have to eat for two." I'm like; "But you were fat before. Eating for two? You just ate 11 tacos. You have a 3 pound fetus in your stomach not Tom Arnold."

-I saw a biography on the show "The Brady Bunch" and they were interviewing this dude who made a career out of knowing facts about the Brady Bunch. He called himself a 'Bradyologist'. That's funny because I thought we already had a word for people who do that, 'Loser'.

-Then they interviewed the chick who played Cindy and they asked her what she was doing now and she said she's a spokesperson for people with migraine headaches. I didn't know that was a job? Do people with migraines need a spokesperson? What does she do, go to events and stand at a podium; "Hello everyone. I have a statement from people who have migraine headaches. 'OWWWWWW!! FUCK!! TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN! GET ME AN ASPIRIN!!'"