-I saw a commercial for a new movie and the voice over guy was like; "This movie grabs you by the throat and never lets go!" Ahhh....really? That sounds shitty. I don't want to be choked for an entire movie. What're they gonna do next in movie commercials?; "This movie's gonna kick you in the face until you pass out and shit your pants, then it's gonna go to your high school reuinion and tell everyone that you're gay! It's also gonna fuck your little sister and never call her again! And after that it'll borrow your favorite sweater without asking and stretch out the neck." "That movie sounds amazing!"

-There are a lot of things in your life that you can pretend used to be better. Like if you're fat you can be like; "Oh man I used to be so skinny and ripped." Or if you're poor you can be like; "Man I used to be so rich, but I lost it all in the market." The one thing you can't do that with is your dick; "Oh man, I used to have such a big dick but then I stopped going to the gym. I really let myself go. I started eating nachos and drinking and now my dick's 2 inches long."

-Sarah Palin was really popular at first but now she seems to be losing her popularity. She's kind of like that chick who transfers into your school one year and no one knows her so everyone's intrigued. "Man who is that new chick? She's hot." But after a couple months you're like; "Ahh...she's stupid and kind of a bitch. Plus she only hangs out with seniors."

-I heard that some guys are going to vote for Palin because she's hot. I don't get that. She's not going to fuck you. Do you think if she gets elected she's gonna come by your house and blow you?

-I saw a story on the news about a guy who killed his girlfriend's cat out of jealousy. Jealousy? You're jealous of a cat? How lame are you that you feel like you can't compete with a cat? Maybe the cat was just a total asshole. The guy walks in and the cat's banging his girlfriend. "What the hell are you doing cat?!!" "MEOW! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! I'M MAKING LOVE! GO CLEAN MY LITTER BOX PUNK!" "Damn you cat! This is the last straw! First you steal my job and now you're fucking my girl kitty style! You're dead!"