-I discovered this great new drug that deals with hair loss problems. It's called marijuana. Just smoke a lot of it and you won't care anymore about losing your hair.

-When I was in high school I failed English, which was really embarassing because that just sounds like such an easy class. I speak English, so how could I fail English? That's like me failing a class called 'urinating in the toilet.' People would be like; "You failed 'Urinating in the toilet'? Man you should have aced that. How dumb are you?"