- I was talking to this idiot the other day and they worked at the Gap. I told her about my being a comedian and she was like. "That's great that you have passion. It's just like me. I mean I followed my passion too." I was like, you work in the fucking Gap, how is that at all like me? Working at the Gap isn't passionate. Yeah how did you ever find the courage to pursue that passion? Is anyone sitting at home like; "One day I'll make my way into the world and after years of hard work I'll get a job folding jeans and hanging sweaters! It's what I love! I just hope I have what it takes to fill out an application!"

-I bought some ecstasy recently but I think it was not very high quality. While on it I didn't love everyone I just sort of liked everyone a lot. All night I was cornering people being like "Oh my God, I think you have some commendable qualities."

-I used to hate text messaging because it always takes forever for me to type a message, but now I like it. If you're pissed off at someone and you're writing them an angry text message in the heat of the moment then by the time you're done writing the text so much time has gone by that you're not angry anymore. It's like: "Fuck this job! I'm gonna text my boss and tell him I quit! H....e....y....I.....am.....sick.....of.....working.....for.....u......so......I.....do....not........want........to......um......never....mind. C....U.....tomorow.
"Thank God it took me 40 minutes to write that text. Gave me time to cool off."

-Someone was telling me they had 'bad' sex the other night. I don't really get that. I mean I feel like if I'm having sex then it's good. I feel like that's like saying, "Yeah I found bad money in my pocket." How can finding money be bad? The only way I could imagine having bad sex is if like in the middle the chick shot me. "Man that was some bad sex. It was great until she shot me in the neck."