-I don't know if A Rod really was banging Madonna or not but if he did than I feel like he only did it on principle. It's the same thing as Guy Ritchie marrying her. The prospect of landing Madonna seems so alluring but in reality they're not getting the Madonna that they really wanted. They're not getting the 1985 Madonna, they're getting a very used Madonna. It's like "Al right I got a Jaguar!" "Yeah, but it's an '83 Jaguar." "It's still a Jaguar." "Yeah, that's true but the ass is all torn out."

-Whenever I do standup if I do jokes about smoking weed inevitably someone will come up to me after the show and offer to let me smoke their weed with them. That's pretty cool. I'm gonna start doing jokes about hot chicks blowing me while handing me their money and see what happens.