-Visa's slogan is "Visa, it's everywhere you want to be." Really? Visa is in Scarlett Johanssen's vagina?

-I love the movie 'The Lost Boys'. My favorite part is when the 35 year old couple loots comic books from the comic book store. Is that what 35 year old couples do? I don't think 35 year olds do that. Shoplifting comic books is something you outgrow when you turn 8.

-You know you're a shitty dad when your daughter becomes a stripper. But you know you're a really shitty dad when your son becomes a stripper. Because if you're a man and you're a stripper you have had to really pursue that job. The entire world is trying to get women to be strippers. All day men are yelling at women to take off their tops. A male stripper had to fight to get people to pay him to take off his pants for money.

-I was walking down the street and there was this smokingly hot chick walking, basically in her underwear, and this dude ahead of me looked at her and started angrily shaking his head to himself. Like he was angry at how hot this chick was. That's when you know you're hot, when men on the street are reacting to you the way they would react to an act of racism. "Damn look at that hot chick. Man, that shit just aint right."

-They say that every man grows up to marry a woman just like his mother. I think that's a bummer for most guys to hear, except for Pamela Anderson's sons.

-When you're a kid and you're trying to think of jobs you want to do when you grow up it's always a very vast list. It's like; "Okay I'm either gonna be an astronaut, a rock star or President." When you become an adult and you're trying to figure out jobs for yourself it's a bit more limited. It's like; "I'm either gonna hand out flyers, sell all my clothes or rob a video store."

-I was reading about this guy who knowingly gave 10 women the AIDS virus. This is just further proof that women like guys who are shitty to them. The guy wasn't even good looking, yet he's still having sex with lots of women. You know how many nice dudes without AIDS these women probably passed up? "God I went out with this guy the other night and it turns out he doesn't even have AIDS." What a bore. Drop his ass. You don't need that shit in your life. How's it going with that other guy you met who punched you in the face?" "Pretty good. I think he might have AIDS." "That sounds exciting. Does he have any friends?"

-I feel like a blow job is the only job that you can't get fired from even if you're really slacking off at work. It'd be like; "Hey Jennifer I'd like to talk to you about your blow job performance. First of all you came into work 2 hours late today. You were drunk, high and not wearing any pants. Then you left work early and had your friend Bambi, who doesn't even work here, finish your job for you. I have no choice but to promote you and give you tenure."

-People ask me how famous I want to be. I wanna be so famous that strangers break into my house and try to stab me. That's when you know you've really made it when someone admires you so much that they want you dead.

-I was listening to this Dr. Dre song and halfway through it he says; "This aint Aerosmith!" Like maybe there had been some confusion. Like maybe I somehow was thinking I was listening to Aerosmith. Like anyone would ever confuse Dr. Dre with Aerosmith. Like I'm listening like; "Man is this Aerosmith? Oh it's not. I thought this was that Aerosmith song where they keep talking about shooting police and where Steven Tyler keeps calling himself Dr. Dre. I better go return this not Aerosmith CD."

-I know I'm getting old because I'll find myself getting mad at people for being young. "How old are you? 23? Fuck you!! Get out of my house! You've got some nerve having your whole life ahead of you around me."

-The other day I was watching these two people slow dance and a guy came over to them and cut in and then he started dancing with the chick. That's cool. I wish you could do that in other situations. Like if some dude is banging a hot chick. Just walk in on them, "May I cut in for a minute?" "Sure." "Thank you. I'm done." Or you could walk up to someone at an ATM machine about to get money. "May I cut in?" "Umm...okay." Walk up to George Clooney. "May I cut in on your life for minute George Clooney?" "No, I'm sorry, go find your own life." "I have a life but it's an ugly pig and has a shitty apartment."

- The other day a dude I knew said something shitty to me after I had just gotten an expensive parking ticket. Basically he made fun of me and then he said, "Sorry man, but I like fucking with people." That was his excuse for being a dick, that he likes being a dick. That can't be your explanation for doing something shitty. "Sorry man but I like robbing your house." "Oh okay. You like it? I didn't know that. Oh sorry man but I like beating the shit out of people who enjoy being assholes."

-I saw an interview with a high priced call girl who slept with a lot of big name celebrities and she was bitching about how her clients would treat her rudely after sex. Like she couldn't believe their cold behavior. She was like, "These guys used to treat me like dirt. They didn't respect me at all." You're a prostitute. What do you expect? They paid you money to lick their balls. What'd you think was gonna happen after they jerked off on your face for 100 dollars? Did you think they were gonna go introduce you to their parents? Propose to you on a bed of roses? "Hey hooker that I just hired for 30 minutes, stick this cucumber up your ass while me and my friend whack off, but hurry because right after this I'm taking you to a romantic dinner in Paris."

-I was talking to this girl and she said she dumped her boyfriend because he was too nice during sex. Too nice during sex? People don't like nice sex. The meaner you are the hotter it is. You can't be doing someone from behind and be like; "Oh yeah baby, I just did your taxes." "Oh yeah, lick my balls while I lend your grandparents money and adopt a homeless baby."