-I love that band the Pussycat Dolls. I love how they constantly contradict themselves in their songs. First they'll have a really romantic song about loving a guy forever and being committed to him. Then they'll be like "Here's our new single it's called 'I love having impersonal butt sex with random guys I don't know on the subway.'" Are you in love with your boyfriend or are you a whore?

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-I saw this rap video and in it there was a scene where the main rapper was on the toilet taking a crap. Now this was the main rapper in the video so he definitely had a say in this shot. So he wanted people to see him on the toliet. What's he gonna do in his next video, "Al right I want the video to start with me getting caught masturbating in my car and then we cut to me shitting my pants while getting beaten up by a 10 year old girl."

-I love when people try to lie now about not getting your emails. That's not a good lie anymore. You can't say that anymore. The other day someone was like, "Oh, I didn't get your emails." Really? That's funny because that's not possible. I sent it to you so you did get it. If you didn't get it then I would have gotten a message about it. I guess everyone got my emails except for you.

-I wish Sarah Palin would shut her fucking mouth already. She keeps bitching in interviews that she was unfairly scrutinized by the media. She keeps attacking Katie Couric for trying catch her in a 'Gotcha!' moment. She asked you what newspapers you read!! That's not a tough question. You should be able to answer that if you're a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

-I like to smoke weed more than drinking mainly because I prefer the company of stoners to heavy drinkers. Stoners are much better to be around. The worst thing a stoner will do to you is tell you a boring story about a time they lost their keys. But an alcoholic will fuck your girlfriend and then steal your car.

-I read this story about this couple that was trying to get their son's name on his birthday cake but stores refused. The kid's name is Adolph Hitler Campbell. The craziest thing is that this couple had to agree on this name. That just seems like a name that one party in the relationship might have had a problem with. "So what should we name our baby?" "How about Adolph Hitler?" "Umm...I still like Kevin."

Also this couple tried to get swastikas on the cake. I couldn't imagine hating something so much that I would make it a part of my cake decoration. That's like if I decorated my birthday cake with pictures from the movie 'Dances With Wolves.'

-I went to a Performing Arts high school in NYC and it was the complete opposite of the stereotypical suburban high school. We had sports team that no one gave a shit about at all. In fact at my school the jocks would come in with guns and shoot at people. They'd be like "You never talked to me in tapdance class! You're dead! You always made fun of my football uniform!! I'm sick of being ridiculed for not being the lead in 'Guys and Dolls'!"

-I saw an interview with some girl and she was talking about a popular guy and she said, 'I mean any chick would give both their breasts to date him.' Why would that even be a situation you would be in? Like the guy is gonna be like, 'Al right I'll go out with you but only if you cut off your breasts. I only date mutilated women without tits.'

-I love that saying "He wants to have his cake and eat it too." It's used to describe someone who is over demanding but I feel like that saying doesn't do a good job of conveying that. If someone is given cake and then wants to eat it I don't think of them as being irrational. Has anyone ever been okay just with having cake? "You mean you want cake and you want to eat it also?! You are a maniac. That's not how the world works dude." "This guy just wants to have it all, he wants to buy a house and then move into it. He wants to buy food in a restaurant and then put it in his mouth. He wants to install a toilet and then urinate into it."

-I was watching this thing on TV and they showed this guy waterskiing with no waterskis. Why do people do that? Am I supposed to think that you're a total bad ass now because you don't have the equipment used in the sport you're doing? They have skis that you can use. Why can't you just use the skis and be good with the skis on? When you waterski without the necessary equipment it doesn't make you look cool it makes you look poor. I wish that people who waterski without waterskis would also skydive without parachutes.

I also saw a guy skydiving while wearing a snowboard. I don't get this. You're skydiving why are you wearing ski equipment? Am I supposed to think you're good at skiing now too. That's like if I went skydiving while wearing doctors scrubs. "Man look at that guy skydiving! Apparently he's also a good radiologist! I can tell because he's falling really quickly wearing things that have nothing to do with what he's doing right now!"