-I love watching these Presidential and VP debates because it's always just back and forth of one person saying something about the other person and then the other person refuting it. It's like: "Barack Obama voted to raise taxes 96 times in the Senate." "No, I didn't do that. John McCain voted to raise taxes 3 million times." "No I didn't that's not true. Barack Obama voted to kill everyone's mom." "No I didn't. John McCain voted to have babies thrown out of windows."
It's just someone says the other did something awful and then the other says it's not true and says the other did something worse. It's like being around a bad married couple.


-I was out with a chick on a first date recently and like a half hour in she tells me her biological clock is ticking and she needed to get pregnant in the next few months. That's sort of a heavy thing to lay on someone on a first date. That's like if I showed up to a first date and immediately said to the chick: "Look I need to have anal sex within the nexr 5 minutes. Can you handle that? Where are you going? Dammit! When am I gonna find the one. My anal sex clock is ticking. I only have 4 minutes left. Why are women so afraid to commit to having anal sex?"

-I have this friend and he'll tell me something and then immediately correct himself and the thing that he meant to say and got wrong is completely different from the first thing he said. It'll be like; "Hey did you hear that Steve who we went to high school with won an Academy Award?" "Really?" "Wait, no, I'm sorry, that's not what happened. What happened is Steve shit his pants." "Oh, wow, that is nothing like the first thing you said. How did you confuse those two things?" "Hey did you hear that Bill Gates hung himself?" "Really?" "No! Wait, I mean, Steve shit his pants again." "Oh. That again. Hey did you hear that I won the lottery?" "Really?" "No, what happened was I lent all your pants to Steve and then took him to Taco Bell."

-Someone told me that the show "Blue Collar Comedy" was looking for writers so I submitted a writing submission. I called the producers and made a fart noise into the phone. They made me head writer.

-I'm so sick of people praising Sarah Palin for simply not being awful in the VP debate. Everyone's treating her as if she's competing in the special olympics. It's like people are giving her props just for not completely humiliating herself. It's like: "She was amazing. I mean did you see the way she didn't shit herself during the debate? It was amazing. What a maverick."

-I saw a commercial for a new movie and the voice over guy was like; "This movie grabs you by the throat and never lets go!" Ahhh....really? That sounds shitty. I don't want to be choked for an entire movie. What're they gonna do next in movie commercials?; "This movie's gonna kick you in the face until you pass out and shit your pants, then it's gonna go to your high school reuinion and tell everyone that you're gay! It's also gonna fuck your little sister and never call her again! And after that it'll borrow your favorite sweater without asking and stretch out the neck." "That movie sounds amazing!"

-There are a lot of things in your life that you can pretend used to be better. Like if you're fat you can be like; "Oh man I used to be so skinny and ripped." Or if you're poor you can be like; "Man I used to be so rich, but I lost it all in the market." The one thing you can't do that with is your dick; "Oh man, I used to have such a big dick but then I stopped going to the gym. I really let myself go. I started eating nachos and drinking and now my dick's 2 inches long."

-Sarah Palin was really popular at first but now she seems to be losing her popularity. She's kind of like that chick who transfers into your school one year and no one knows her so everyone's intrigued. "Man who is that new chick? She's hot." But after a couple months you're like; "Ahh...she's stupid and kind of a bitch. Plus she only hangs out with seniors."

-I heard that some guys are going to vote for Palin because she's hot. I don't get that. She's not going to fuck you. Do you think if she gets elected she's gonna come by your house and blow you?

-I saw a story on the news about a guy who killed his girlfriend's cat out of jealousy. Jealousy? You're jealous of a cat? How lame are you that you feel like you can't compete with a cat? Maybe the cat was just a total asshole. The guy walks in and the cat's banging his girlfriend. "What the hell are you doing cat?!!" "MEOW! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! I'M MAKING LOVE! GO CLEAN MY LITTER BOX PUNK!" "Damn you cat! This is the last straw! First you steal my job and now you're fucking my girl kitty style! You're dead!"

-I called a friend of mine the other day and a recording came on that said; "This person's phone does not receive phone calls at the request of the owner." It doesn't receive phone calls? What does it do then? If you don't want to receive phone calls then don't buy a phone. "I finally got a cell phone. Now, how do I make it so that it's not a phone anymore. I want my phone to just lay there not being a phone." "I just bought a new printer and I made it so that it can't print things. It's great, it cost me 500 bucks it just sits there not doing the thing it was specifically made for. I also just bought a fan and then repeatedly hit it with a hammer. Now it's just a pile of plastic and metal."

-Taco Bell has this new taco called the 'Volcano Taco', apparently it's super hot. In the commercial they show a guy eat it and then flames shoot out of his mouth like he's on fire. That looks awful. I don't get it when people want their food to be painful. In the commercial they're not even trying to sell that it tastes good, just that it'll burn your mouth. What's next there, are they gonna have a taco where you go in and they just throw a vat of acid at your face with fajitas mixed in. "AHHHHH!!!! THIS IS AMAZING! MY FACE IS MELTING!! THIS IS REALLY HOT!! I CAN TASTE THE CHICKEN MIXED WITH MY BURNING FLESH!!! I'm gonna get another one after I get back from the emergency room." You couldn't sell other things just on the idea that the thing will hurt you. "Buy the new PC 2000. Every time you touch the keyboard you get eletrocuted!" "That looks amazing! I'm gonna get that! It looks like it's gonna hurt a lot! This thing's amazing, I can't feel my legs."

This is astill from the Cuba Gooding Jr. movie 'Radio' where he plays a retarded guy named Radio. I feel like they just went overboard in making him as retarded as possible. First of all they named him Radio. That's a retarded name to start off with and what exactly is he doing in this picture? He's rolling down a street in a shopping cart while holding a stick? It's like, okay we get it, he's retarded. You don't have to beat us over the head with it. I've never seen a retarded person in a shopping cart holding a stick. I think the producers overplayed their retard hand.

-I was listening to this rapper and he said that he wrote a song right after he got shot 7 times and then he played it and it was like; "Yeah, laying on the ground I look up at the sky and see the stars of my hometown..." That seems pretty calm for a song you wrote right after you got shot. If I got shot 7 times and wrote a song directly after I got shot it would be more like; "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! WHO THE FUCK JUST SHOT ME IN THE LEG!!??? WHY DID THEY SHOOT ME?!!! OH MY GOD! THEY'RE STILL SHOOTING!!! HOW MANY TIMES ARE THEY GONNA SHOOT ME?!!! SOMEONE MAKE THEM STOP SHOOTING ME SO MUCH!! GET THE GUN AWAY FROM HIM ALREADY!! IS HE EVER GONNA RUN OUT OF BULLETS?!!" And then the rest of the song would just be me crying.

-I saw a bunch of signs people were holding at the RNC and they said; "McCain-Palin-Country First" Is there any candidate that is not running on that platform? Are there ever candidates that are like; "My stance is country 4th and nachos 1st!" Every candidate is putting the country first. They're going to be running the country! What else would they put first? Republicans are not taking a postition that's unique. They're just saying things that every normal person would be behind. That's like if they made campaign signs that said; "MCCAIN/PALIN-NO PUNCHING BABIES IN THE FACE!"

-I was reading about some battle in a war and they were saying that all these people were killed in an effort to secure a 'hill'. I always read about these fierce battles over hills. Why are people risking their lives for hills? Are hills that amazing? I've never seen a hill and been like; "I'd die for that hill if I had to. It's an amazing hill. It's really steep." I would be so pissed if I went to war and the head of my unit was like; "Al right men. Get your machine guns ready, we're gonna try and take over that pile of dirt." "But, I don't want that." "Sorry, you're gonna have to maybe die to get it." "But I have dirt at home."

-I love how the Republicans big selling point for McCain being President is the fact that he was a POW for 7 years. How does this make him qualified to be President? He was a prisoner so that makes him the best candidate to run the country? That wouldn't get someone a job in another situation. "You gotta go to my Dr. he's great." "Why? Did he go to Harvard?" "No, even better, he was locked in a cage for 7 years in a jungle." "Oh, that has nothing to do with being a good Dr." "What? You're gonna go with a guy who wasn't punched in the face by Vietnamese dudes? Good luck man."