-I love that saying "He wants to have his cake and eat it too." It's used to describe someone who is over demanding but I feel like that saying doesn't do a good job of conveying that. If someone is given cake and then wants to eat it I don't think of them as being irrational. Has anyone ever been okay just with having cake? "You mean you want cake and you want to eat it also?! You are a maniac. That's not how the world works dude." "This guy just wants to have it all, he wants to buy a house and then move into it. He wants to buy food in a restaurant and then put it in his mouth. He wants to install a toilet and then urinate into it."

-I was watching this thing on TV and they showed this guy waterskiing with no waterskis. Why do people do that? Am I supposed to think that you're a total bad ass now because you don't have the equipment used in the sport you're doing? They have skis that you can use. Why can't you just use the skis and be good with the skis on? When you waterski without the necessary equipment it doesn't make you look cool it makes you look poor. I wish that people who waterski without waterskis would also skydive without parachutes.

I also saw a guy skydiving while wearing a snowboard. I don't get this. You're skydiving why are you wearing ski equipment? Am I supposed to think you're good at skiing now too. That's like if I went skydiving while wearing doctors scrubs. "Man look at that guy skydiving! Apparently he's also a good radiologist! I can tell because he's falling really quickly wearing things that have nothing to do with what he's doing right now!"

- I was listening to this rap song and the rapper was like "Yeah I make convict music for convicts and thugs!" You make music for convicts and thugs? Is that really a very good demographic to be be focusing on? I mean I don't think convicts are able to purchase things. As far as I know there aren't record stores in prison. And I doubt they have laptops with Itunes. And thugs aren't a very good market either. I mean thugs don't really pay for things from what I know of them. They steal things. So basically you make music for people who never buy music. That's like being like; "Yeah I do music for ghosts and dead raccoons!" "But they don't buy Cd's."

-I was reading "The Secret" and the basic idea behind it is that if you really want something you just need to want it and you'll get it. As I read this I started to think that it was written by a 7 year old who was just used to getting anything he wanted when he wanted it. It felt like it was written by Richie Rich. "Listen you guys, if you want a shower made of gold coins just say you want it and you'll get it the next day. It worked for me!"

-It's so fucking annoying to me when people register a facebook account and then don't put pictures of themselves up. What's even more annoying is when they do upload a bunch of pictures but they're not of them but rather their dog or a beach or a playground. Listen, the whole point of this thing is so that I can see if you're a chick I want to bang or not. It's called 'FACE'book not 'PICTURES OF YOUR PETS'book. If your dog wants to get out there let him set up his own account. But he won't cause he can't and also because he doesn't need friends. I saw this one chick's profile and all she had were pictures of the beach and underwater shots of fish. I was like are you a chick or a vacation resort?

-I saw this commercial for Progresso soup and in it there's this married couple and they're about to eat some crappy looking soup that's Campbells soup and the wife grabs the soup and says to her husband, "We don't need to eat this anymore, the kids are gone." Then they show how runny and shitty the soup looks. So you love your children so much that you weren't providing them with good food? Why were you neglecting your children? "Honey the kids are gone, we don't have to eat shit anymore." That's like having a commercial and the husband's about to eat dog food out of the toilet, "Honey, the kids are gone. We don't have to eat out of the toilet anymore. Now we can start eating actual food that's good for people." Where did the kids go anyway? Were they taken away by Childs Services? Did they hang themselves because they were being abused with crappy food? "Progresso. The official soup of asshole parents."

-Whenever someone is killed the news report describes them in a really positive light. Like they'll say; "A hardworking woman who lit up the lives of all those that knew her was struck down by a car today. Neighbors and friends say she always put a smile on their face." You never hear; "An unemployed loser drowned today. Those who knew him say he would always tell extremely inappropriate racist jokes and ask to borrow money." It seems like no one likes anyone until they die tragically. If you're unpopular then die.

-I feel like sometimes dudes will accuse me of cockblocking them when in reality they're just shitty with women. The other day a guy was talking to a chick and the chick said hi to me and then walked away from him. He was like; "Dude! What the fuck?! You ruined it for me!" But you weren't doing a good job getting her. So, if you can't have her then no one can? It's like if this guy went on a job interview and took a shit on the boss' desk and then I went in and interviewed and got the job he'd be like; "Dude! Thanks a lot for job blocking me! I wanted that job!Why do you have to move in on my jobs?" "But you're not good at getting jobs. So because you can't get a job none of us can get jobs?"

-I've found that as I get older when I have sex with someone I get excited about very different things then I did when I was younger. Before I would be like; "Al right! I'm having sex with this chick! This is sweet!" Now I'm like; "Al right! I'm having sex with a chick who lives really close to my job! Awesome! It'll only take me 5 minutes to get to work tomorrow! I can sleep 15 extra minutes!"

-I've found that boxers are the only people who can get away with having an adjective in front of their names. Like 'Marvelous' Marvin Hagler or 'Iron' Mike Tyson. People with normal jobs couldn't do that. "Hey everyone from now on call me 'Awesome' Jeff Smith." "But you're a cashier at Duane Reade." "I know but I'm really good at it." "I'm not calling you that dipshit." Boxers get away with it because they'll kick your ass if you don't do what they say. "From now on call me 'Marvelous' Marvin Hagler." "Why would I do that?" "Maybe because if you don't I'll pound your face into a brick wall." "Good argument 'Marvelous'."

-I think it's weird when people get mad at you for not seeing a movie. It's just strange that I could piss someone off so badly by simply not doing a trivial activity. People get really mad sometimes too. It's like; "I'm not talking to Tom anymore." "Why?" "He didn't see 'Purple Rain'."

What's even worse is when people get mad at you for having seen a movie. "You saw 'Scary Movie 2'? What the hell is wrong with you?" Then you get all defensive; "Well I didn't want to, I was forced to see it." I love when people say they were forced to see a movie. What happened? Were you walking by a deserted theatre playing shitty movies late at night and a guy jumped out with a gun; "ALL RIGHT! Get in there and see 'Glitter'!" After the movie ends you're crying the guy's like; "Oh you know you liked it. You wanted to see it, walking around this late at night wearing that Mariah Carey t-shirt you were asking for it."

-It's really bad when you're on a plane with a crying baby but it's even worse to be on a plane with a crying man. That happened to me the other day and it's weird because soothing a crying grown man is not as easy as soothing a baby. "Someone get this crying man some porn, a better job and a hotter wife."

-You know how I know for sure that Bush was a bad President? He was President of the US for 8 years and yet he's still an embarassment to his parents. You know you really fucked up when you became President and you're still the black sheep of the family. "So how's your son George doing?" "Ahhh...he's okay." "Someone told me he was President." "I don't like to talk about it. It's a sore subject. We're all very disappointed. Let's talk about my grandson, he's a podiatrist." "Oh you must be so proud." "He's our last hope."

-I meet a lot of people after comedy shows and I'm really bad with remembering names so sometimes it's weird when I forget someone's name that I clearly have met numerous times. I never own up to it though, instead I try and trick them into telling it to me. "Man I love your name, what is the exact pronunciation again?...Oh, yeah. Dad. That's right. That's with 2 d's right?"

-I got pulled over the other day and when the cop walked up to my car he said,"Hey you're playing your music a little loudly huh?" I was like "Ummm...maybe." "Why?" "Ummm..because I like this song and the volume goes this high." "Well that's why I pulled you over." "Really? But we're in New York City not the movie 'Footloose'." Then after he left I rented a barn and threw a shitty dance with a bunch of redneck teenagers and taught Chris Penn how to dance.

-Whenever I get pulled over by a cop I immediately start to freak out and my mind just wanders to any little thing that I've done wrong in my life. It'll be like; "Oh shit! Did I forget to return that video?! Dammit, how did they find out I jerked off on my roommate's bed?!"

-And when you get pulled over why do they not tell you why they pulled you over immediately? Just fucking get to it already. Isn't it bad enough I'm gonna get a ticket? I don't wanna play charades with you. They always ask you if you know why they pulled you over. They don't make you guess the problem in other jobs. Like a Dr. "Listen we got your test results and do you know what disease you have?" "Umm...Hepatitis?" "No, any other guesses?" "You're a shitty Dr."